Astounded

Reflectional Piece

Wednesday, February 24, 2010,1:01 PM

Ok, ok, I know, I just got done posting, but I'm posting again. I can't help it. Haha. I was listening to Miley Cyrus' song, "The Climb" and I started thinking a lot again. So, here I am, writing again. In my last post I was talking about how far I've come and all, but I didn't do too much expanding on those thoughts. So, I want to start writing about that right now. I was texting Chua and we both agreed that every one of our close SMC friends have come so far. I couldn't agree more. We've all come such a long way, growing and learning from one another. So, lets start off my reflectional piece.

Thinking back, I never really had happy years. The earliest happy memories I have are those of my childhood years. Other than that, my teen years were a living nightmare. I was truly depressed and even diagnosed with depression at age 16. I struggled for years silently until I finally put myself into psychotherapy. Everyday was a struggle to simply just live. I'm being serious. I'm not even being one bit dramatic. No one truly knows how it is until they go through it themselves. I was miserable. But anyways, to bring it up to speed I eventually healed from all the hurt and pain and was slowly moving on with life. Sooner than later, I crashed and burned again. It was my senior year and I was lost and confused. I had recently just broke up with my boyfriend of four years and I was hurting, but in denial.

I honestly don't know what I was thinking at the time, but I got addicted to the party life fast. I took one hit of it and I was addicted like a drug addict would be to narcotics. I longed to party and drink even on school nights. I eventually stopped attending school and I found myself drinking everyday. I honestly thought I was happy at the time too. Sadly, I was only fooling myself. I was so caught up in my new boyfriend and just partying my nights away. I eventually became homeless due to issues at home. I was out on the streets on my own. I can honestly say that many of the friends I thought was going to be there abandoned me. I learned who my true friends were and I eventually learned that even family can betray you. I never felt more alone than at that moment. I was truly facing the cruel world alone holding on tightly to a fragile tattered string that was soon to break. And when that string snapped I fell flat on my face. My heart, soul, spirit, and dreams were all crushed in a matter of seconds.

I have to admit, I was a strong young woman who had it all going for her, and I threw it all away in a few months. I became someone that I didn't want to be. Someone that I would never want to be again. I was ashamed of myself. I eventually got back on my feet and became the change I wanted to see. I pulled myself away from all of my best friends. I felt like I had to do this all alone and take myself away from them at the moment. I honestly felt like perhaps they were the reason that I was constantly out and partying, but never did I see that the problem was the one person that I kept at my side. When I cut connections with my best friends, I cut off a piece of my heart. I cut off my only support system. I cut off my oxygen. My very life. It may sound ridiculous, but thats how much I love my besties. They are my other family. My other half. My everythings.

Sooner than later the bf and I started encountering problems. He was young and carefree. I was a woman that was trying to make it into the world. He was still trying to live out his younger days. We argued constantly. Over the summer of 2009, I was once again alone. When him and I argued, I cried alone. When he walked out on me I had no one to run to. When he ran into the arms of another girl I had no one to confide in. Thats when I realized I threw aside one of the most important things I ever had in my life, my best friends. I still recall asking my friend, Jesse, a question that pertained to heartbreaks. I asked, "Jesse, I wished God made a superglue for heartbreaks. Do you think there is one?". I remember him replying, "There is a superglue for heartbreaks, they're called friends". All I can remember is having an outburst of tears. My heart was in pain and slowly dying. I didn't know where my home was. I didn't know where my soul was. For an entire SMC was broken, torn, and tattered. At the time I thought I was the only one hurting and crying, but I now know that we were all hurt. We all longed for each others company. And more than anything, we all wanted to see each other again and just make things better. We were just too stubborn at the time.

Long story short, SMC finally got back together. This time around we were unbreakable. One thing did manage to fall apart though. The boyfriend, Neng, and I soon fell apart. I have no regrets about that. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. When he left me alone in shattered pieces with only frowns and tears, SMC came along and picked me up. They dusted me off, put the pieces back together, and showed me that there was beauty underneath all the bruises and scars. They showed me how to smile again. They showed me the way to happiness again. In fact, they held my hands and guided me well on my way to happiness again. We all grew so much. Sadee became much more patient and learned that "sugar catches more flies than vinegar". Chua finally came to see that she is beautiful in every way possible. And Kong is finally growing up and coming to see the world less and less in rose colored glasses. Khoua is finishing up her schooling in medical assisting and MK is finally out in the real world learning how to be less naive. And as for me, I've finally learned to stop dwelling in the past. I have today and tomorrow to look forward to. The past may have almost killed me, but its the past. Its done with. At the end of the day I just need myself, my crazy family, SMC, and my newfound love KP. And more than anything, I'm learning how to love myself more and more each day. I'm happy knowing that at the end of the day I have people that love me and care for me. I have lost my way but I am here today stronger than ever. Who needs the rest of the world when I have my tops? I love you all. And most of all, I love Kia Yang. Its some love that she has been long starved of.

Yours Truly, Kia Yang