Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;)

My name is Kia, but you can call me Nana as well. I'm 19 years old and currently reside in Minnesota. I'm a cosmetology student at Minnesota School of Cosmetology. I love art in all its forms. I love makeup and fashion. I'm very passionate about the field I'm in. I also write and read. I still believe reading is one of the best forms of entertainment out there. I'm a loving sweet person who enjoys being around her loved ones. I love all things girly and I'm very easygoing. I'm also a child at heart. Give me ice cream and a smile will instantaneously appear on my face. I'm outgoing and friendly. Most of all, I'm Kia Yang and I do the impossible. =)

"My goal as a cosmetologist is not to make the world beautiful one person at a time, but to show them that they are beautiful one person at a time" ♥

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Annoyed ★ Somewhere Only We Know ★ A Letter To Myself ★ All That I Can Hear ★ Dear Love ★ Writing Just To Write ★ Tangled Up In Silence ★ A Million Reasons Why ★ Be My Hero ★ Farewell and Bitter Tears ★ February 2010 ★ March 2010 ★ April 2010 ★ May 2010 ★ June 2010 ★ July 2010 ★ August 2010 ★ September 2010 ★ Layout & image by wickedicy others : x x

I'm really annoyed right now. Like really annoyed. I have Kelly Rowland's song Rose Colored Glasses on repeat right now. All I can think is about all the people who are annoying me right now. Ugh. I cannot express how much I hate those people at this very moment especially one certain person. I hope that person stays out of my life from now on. I'm so annoyed by this specific person! I hope you die! I hate you. I hate how you're always constantly walking in and out of my life like I'm some sort of doorway. I'm a human being you jerkface! I hate how you walked out and pretended its ok. You always told me not to call you a jerk, but I hope you know you are one! You ARE just like the rest of them. Exactly just like them. Most of all I believed in every word that you told me. I'm so stupid. I thought you'd always care. I thought sandbox love would never die, but I guess it does. I damn that fucken stupid sandbox to hell. I damn that fucken blacktop where we played on to hell as well. I'm disappointed in you. You think its hard for you!? It was hard for me too, but I held on. I held on because I loved you. You are just a jerk. I'm sorry, but I'm just going to say it to you. You are a jerk. I know it was hard for you, but it goes the same to me. All I ask is that you walk out of my life completely. Please DO NOT turn around and come back. I don't need this right now. >.<

Most of all, Kong Peng Xiong....you disappoint me. =(

I feel happy today. I really do. I guess all I needed was space to breathe and think things out. Now I'm just sitting here and writing because I feel like it. I'm actually going to head out to do my homework/project soon. I want to fully dedicate myself to everything now. I feel like lately I've been lagging and just doing things to make my significant other happy. I can't afford to do such things anymore. I feel like I'm honestly becoming like him and I cannot afford that. I can't afford parties every weekend. I have to go to school. I have to work hard. I must get my driving down so my parents will love me and buy me a car. I have to sacrafice my weekends and I have to sacrafice our time together to get things done. I'm sorry hun. We're not going to see each other for awhile. Well now I must go and get things done. =(

Love, Kia Yang

Dear Kia,

I'm really proud of you. I hope you know that. You've come so far in your life. Remember when you used to be a suicidal teen that thought no one cared? Remember when you used to do things to hurt yourself just to get rid of the pain? Remember when you'd go running just to feel like you were leaving all the troubles away? Well look at you now. You no longer run away. You face things head on. You've changed a lot. You used to cling onto others in fear that you'd have no one to lean on, but you're coming to learn that at the end of the day YOU have to be the one that makes life worth it. You're beginning to set goals and going after them. Keep dreaming big. Don't let anyone bring you down. Most of all, don't bring yourself down. Do you know how often you do that to yourself? Everyone is standing there telling you you're beautiful, but you always look in the mirror and tear that image down. Stop. You ARE beautiful. The most beautiful person I know. Its time you start believing that. KP isn't always going to make you feel beautiful. Friends aren't always going to be there. You are. You're going to have to be strong for yourself. Who cares about others saying you're trying too hard to be strong. What do they know? They don't know you. You know yourself best. You're always strong because you don't want to fall. You don't want to fall and bring others with you because you're kindhearted. You always push yourself to go further than you can. Some times you fall short, but thats ok. You're human. Just don't give yourself less than what you deserve. STOP giving so much out. Give to yourself as well. You're always so busy doing things for others that you forget you need just as much love and nurturing as well. Stop trying to always keep a busy schedule. You only do that so you won't have time to think about the hurt. Its ok. Its ok to have ONE day to yourself and just breathe. Its ok. It really is. You're trying harder than you ever have before, and I want you to know that years from now it will all pay off. So stop. Stop dwelling on the past and move forward. You do that too often. You hold on when everyone has let go already because you gave a part of yourself to them. STOP IT! Give, but DO NOT give yourself away. Life is about creating yourself, so why are you giving parts of yourself away? They belong to you. YOUR HEART BELONGS TO YOU. So be nice to it and protect it.

Do you know how wonderful you're doing? You're working two jobs and going to school. Not many people can do that. You're setting goals and reaching them. You've gotten past all the hardships, so don't let anything stop you now. You've hit rock bottom, now reach for the sky! Go all the way! You've been through Yee. He did you wrong. He cheated on you. He was unfaithful. You've been through the arguments. The lonely nights. You've been through the lonely walks home. The embarassing story that everyone knew except you. You've gone through all of that. You've been through Neng who practically tore you apart from the ground up. You went through his crazy drunken nights. You went through his crazy arguments and abuse. You took all of his blame and all of his shame. You are strong and you can do so much. You have soooo much potential, you just can't see it. Somedays its going to be hard and you're gonna want to cry, but don't give up. Keep going. And if you need a break than take a break. You're very intact with your emotions and I know you. I know that when you can't take anymore you just want a day away. So do it. Take that day away from the world. You're usually on your feet in no time when you give yourself space to breathe. You're gonna make it big. You just don't know it yet. Keep striving to better yourself. You're not in a competition with anyone, but yourself. Don't give up. So I'm gonna tell you this now, brush off your shoulders, hold your head up high, take a deep breath, and stand up. Stand up tall. You're Kia Yang, you do the impossible that no one else can ever do. I love you Kia Yang. You're beautiful. Don't ever forget that. Not even for a split second. You're amazing.

Love, Kia Yang =)

Lately I feel as though I have been doing quite a good job at being more independent. i rarely rely on others for anything now. i find myself striving for a better life and a better me. today i got a message from a friend telling me that he is letting go. i was deeply hurt, but not surprised. perhaps he doesnt understand that this friendship of ours will continue to constantly be a battle. he doesnt understand that i put up with it every time. he doesnt understand what he means to me. it depresses me. what he doesnt know is that i let go of that beautiful friendship a long time ago. when i let glo of smc, i basically let go of everything and everyone else. i feel alone somedays. very alone, but i remember that i have many who love me. i remember that i may be physically alone, but never spiritually. i have many people who are rooting for me. most of all, i'm rooting for myself now. i'm in that crowd now and i am now my biggest fan. i can do this. ive come this far already. i guess somedays its just sad because i have no one to share my spoils with. :/

Dear Love,

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want to love. I know, I know. Love doesn't hurt, its everything else that hurts. I guess sometimes the other person just can't put yourself in your situation. They don't know how you feel because you don't treat them that way, therefore they'll never understand. I wished he'd understand. I do so much. I hate it. I hate how I wait for his phonecalls and text messages night in and night out. I hate how I wake up numerous of times throughout the night just to check if he's messaged me. Most of all I hate waking up to realize my phone has no missed calls or messages. It hurts so much. It hurts to go an entire day with a simple hello or notification as to what happened to him. It hurts. It hurts to know that you have no ways to console yourself. It hurts to know that he'll probably never care as much as you do.

I can't be that super girlfriend anymore. I can't be that girlfriend who is so forgiving. I can't forgive him anymore. After everytime he hurts me I always accept his sorry-excuse-of-an-apology. I always take him back lovingly. And instead of resolving an issue, I let him go off, because I don't want to spend my time dwelling on pain. Reality is that so many of our issues are resolved. They're like wounds that keep reopening and I keep forcing them close. I'm so tired of being broken inside. Most of all I'm tired of his ways. Telling me he'll make it better. Telling me he'll change just to go back to the way he was. I'm starting to think I deserve better. Thing is, I love him. I love him wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt. Help me. =(

Love, Kia Yang

Writing just to write....writing just to try and feel better......

I don't know where to start or how to even write this out. I just know my heart is flooded with emotions that I can't quite grasp yet. I feel like I have wasted so much energy on someone who barely notices the fact that my heart is breaking. I always feel like everything is just wrong these days. I guess I now know why I had such terrible butterflies the other day. I just couldn't shake it. I lose myself in all these things that occur. Everytime I'm around you I realize more and more how free-spirited you are. I realize how much you want to be loved, but I also realized how unready you are to fully love another. I realized that my feelings are always put into some sort of box and locked away until the very last moment when I'm at my breaking point. These days aren't easy for me anymore...not like how they used to be. I used to feel so happy just to be with you even if you didn't give me the time of the day. All that mattered was that I was with you. Now I sit in the corner drunk on hope wishing that you'll turn around and smile at me instead of chugging down 6 cans of beers with your friends. I sit in the corner realizing that sometimes I may only be here for show. I look at the time and its 12 o' clock. I sit a little bit longer. Look at the time again just to realize its 4 o' clock now. I look around and realize I'm sitting alone still. Realizing I'm just being neglected. Realizing that no one has talked to me. Realizing that I'm the only girl in a room full of guys. Realizing that this entire time....you barely looked at me twice or even cared to ask me how Iwas or what I wanted to do. Why do you do this to me?

I know you say that I don't understand the fact that "guys will be guys", but perhaps YOU don't understand that you make me feel so small. You make me feel like I don't matter anymore. Then again, when did I ever matter? The only time when I did matter was when it was before Christmas. After Christmas, I was just like an old joke that was told too many times and got boring. You always get so jealous when I speak of other guys, but you expect me to be cool about it when you speak of other girls. I've held my tongue for so long. I always hold my tongue when it comes to you. I usually don't mind when your eyes are wandering or the fact that you'd wish I'd look differently, but its starting to get to me. I want a guy who can go out with me in my sweats and still point at me and say "She's my girlfriend". I want a guy who, even though he looks at other girls, can still say, "they're nothing compared to you". I want a guy who can say there are tons of pretty girls all over the world, but only I am beautiful. I want a guy who says I'm perfect the way I am without all of the imperfections. Not a guy who talks about how gorgeous another girl is or how much he longs for me to look a certain way. Its starting to take toll on my self-esteem. Its starting to make me feel ugly on the inside. Making me not want to try to even dress up or doll up anymore. You don't see me telling you to look a certain way or telling you how attractive another man is. I always try to make sure to let you know that you're my number one regardless.

I can barely write right now. =(

tbc..........

I sit here at my boyfriends house and I am spinning in emotions. I feel like today was a waste of my day. If I had a remote control for life I'd skip right over this day. I sit here trying to fake my emotions. Putting on a show for people when I clearly know I'm upset. I guess you can say that overall I'm happy with my life now. I really am. I just have a lot of downs lately. More than I can handle or let on. I get through the days though. Some days are better than others. I wouldn't change a thing about my life right now. I'm happy with the decisions I've made and actions I've taken.

I guess life just gets overwhelming as we all grow up. People walk out and others walk in. Situations are constantly changing. One day may bring you good news and another day will bear terrible heart wrenching news. I guess I have no where else to pour my heart out, so I'm online pouring it into some blog of mines. How depressing. I guess its ok. I've missed writing. I've missed writing poems and short stories. To be honest, I miss the simple days. When nothing mattered and everything was ok.

I miss having time to do things for myself. I miss not having to worry about every little thing every minute. I shouldn't be one to complain though. The entire nation is struggling, not just my family and I. I guess its just a critical state for me right now. That "make it or break it" state.

Ugh, my head is flooded with thoughts. I'm gonna go cool down. Toodles.

Love, Kia Yang

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