Astounded

Sweet Despair

Sunday, March 7, 2010,6:29 PM

So this past weekend was quite terrible. I'm definitely not going to lie. Everything just went wrong and I didn't know how to deal with it quite honestly. First off, Friday was supposed to be alone time for the boyfriend and I, but it turned out quite differently. We ended spending most of the day with his friends and family, which I don't mind at all, but I wanted just him and me that day. I sometimes feel like its too much to ask. And then being with his family reminded me of how my family used to be and I started being nostalgic. I have never missed my family so much before that night. I was literally on the brink of tears. I wanted to run into the arms of my sisters and mother. At that very moment I realized I just wanted to turn back the hands of time and be a little girl again. At that very moment I realized how neglecting I have been of my family. I felt like crap. I felt like such a bad person. And I honestly apologize to anyone who might have thought I was being a party pooper, but I just missed home. I missed my family and I was honestly looking for any signs of familiarity. I wanted someone who loved me to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. That my family was still a family and that we're just getting older. I just wanted someone to tell me to chin up and wipe the tears away.

And then Saturday night was even worse. Everyone just got mad at one another and the party ended up being cancelled in the end. I honestly felt like just dying that night. I honestly don't know why, but I feel like I'm done. Like....I'm just done. Done with everything. I don't want to party or hang out anymore. I don't want to see the bf or see anyone. I just feel done. Its as simple as I can put it. That night I just wanted to cry it all out and tell everyone how I felt, but I sometimes know that in doing so I can come off as annoying and clingy. So, in return, I held it all in. I honestly wanted to just call Doua and have him come pick me up. I didn't want to see SMC or see KP. I just wanted one single face that wouldn't make a single comment. One face that I knew would always always love me regardless. A face that would tell me that its ok even if I make stupid mistakes and love me with all of his heart. Honestly, I really needed Doua that night. I needed him to make all the bad go away cause I was hurting so bad. I'm still hurting now.

My feelings are like wild horses right now. Running wild and free. I don't quite understand any of my feelings, but I know I'm angry and hurt. I know that I'm unhappy. And I honestly know for sure that the source of my happiness is coming from all aspects of my life. Its not a terrible unhappiness, but it hurts still. It hurts to the point where I feel as I made a mistake. I feel as if I'm not good enough. Whats wrong with me? Why am I so insecure? I don't know anymore.....I need to sort out my feelings. I just want to go cry. I'm a HUGE cry baby. =(

Truly Yours, Kia Yang