Astounded

My Letter

Sunday, March 7, 2010,8:04 PM

Dearest family, friends, and boyfriend,

I sometimes feel as if you all forget that I have a heart sometimes. I sometimes feel like I can't speak out about my feelings cause you all get annoyed. So in return I hide it all and hurt alone. I try really hard not to talk about myself or not to mention my feelings so often. I do. I try so hard to push everything to the back of my mind cause I know no one wants to hear about my problems. I know it all annoys you and most of the times you guys are speechless. But you all forget I'm a sensitive gal. You guys sometimes say or do things that cause a lot of misery to my poor little beaten up heart. Its hard for me to open up nor do I feel like I want to open up anymore. I just want to shut the world out for awhile. I think thats how I feel at the moment. I still don't understand my emotions.

Even if I ever come to a point where I know what I'm feeling I don't think I'm willing to share that anymore. I'm in my shut-out mode. I'm just gonna shut out everyone. I have so much love to give everyone and sometimes I feel like I don't receive much back. All I can say is I have never ever missed my mother so much before today. I miss her comforting hugs. I miss my father. I miss how he'd beat up anyone who'd hurt me. I miss my sisters and how'd they can joke with me about anything. I miss my brothers and how they seem so cowardly at times, but will step up to beat anyone's ass that touches a single hair on me. I miss my family. I miss them so much!

I miss you guys. I miss how we used to be. I love all of you guys so much. You guys don't know how unloved I feel in our family. I feel like I'm just a ghost when I'm at home. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss how my mom tells me I'm beautiful in her own little harsh ways. I love how she tells me she loves me in her own little angry secret messages. I love how my dad thinks no man is worthy of my hand in marriage. I love how my father spoils me with all that I want. I love how he lets me get away with anything and everything. Most of all, I miss my older sister Mai Ker. Mai Ker, I miss you. I'm sorry that we had our disagreements. I miss you so much. I miss how we used to talk for hours. I miss how you always believed in me. I miss how I could run to you when I was in pain and you'd always listen because you were my older sister. I miss how you would never complain when I was bitching about my problems cause you'd want to listen. You appreciated me for me. You always told me never to reach for the sky or the stars because for me, the possiblities had no limits. I miss you Mai Ker. I miss you.

So, once again, please, my loved ones, don't forget I have a heart. A fragile and frail heart. One that is easy to break and hard to mend. I'm sensitive. I cry a lot even though a lot of people think I'm made of stone. I just cry behind the scenes while no one is looking. I cry alone and, most definitely, I hurt alone because I don't want to burden anyone. I'm always trying to be the strong one. I remember Doua telling me that. He told me that I didn't always have to be the strong one and that he'd be the strong one for me. Oh how I miss him now. Don't push me away when I'm hurting or crying. Please don't. Don't find me annoying when I'm confiding in you, cause all in honesty, when you're hurting and crying to me....I don't find any of you annoying or too emotional. We're human, we're bound to hurt. So, for now, I'm hurting and I want all of you to be a little nicer to my poor little heart. My poor little heart that is sooo confused as to why its in such great sorrow.

Yours Truly, Kia Yang