Astounded

Together With The Sun

Wednesday, March 31, 2010,2:04 PM

I'm listening to "Four In The Morning" again and I can't stop crying. I'm staring at this computer screen again with nothing but the lingering sting of pain and loneliness. I sit here looking at this blank white screen and wondering what to put down. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I don't know how to make things right anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make it right again. I feel like a hole was just punched through my heart and now I'm missing all the pieces that fit. We once used to be so happy and now I feel as though nothing is right anymore. I feel as if all our happy moments were just dreams and you're just a distant memory that I like to dwell on. Tell me, how do I make this work again? Tell me, how do I bring us back to something better? Tell me and I'll do it. Tell me what it is or may be and I'll go fetch it no matter the distance. Tell me and I'll make it happen. I just want to make us happy again. I want us to be a whole again. I just want us back. You and I. I don't want the rest of the world but you. I don't want anything but you. Sadly, the thing I want the most is out of my reach.

Yes, a whole single day with you is TOO much to ask for. A single moment without anyone else is practically impossible. And anything else from you is pretty close to, "its never gonna happen". I know its never simple, but I'm scared that I may have to let you go. You have no idea how much its hurting me. I feel like this love is such a one way love. I sit up in bed all night wondering about you. I think about your smile and your cute little eyes. I think about your soft kisses and light hugs. I think about your beautiful personality and your big soft side. I think about how careful you are with me as if I'm fragile glassware. I think about how you're so concerned for my well being. I think about all of this and I simply cry. Why on Earth would I ever want to lose that? Why on Earth would I ever want to let go? I don't want to let go. Even though sometimes it hurts I hold on cause I want us to work. Now, I'm starting to wonder why I'm holding on. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you're not even fighting or making an effort. I'm starting to care less and less. I told you from the start, if you don't give me your all then please don't expect me to give you my all. Its so hard for me to act like I don't miss you or I don't care cause I do. Although, now its beginning to catch on. I'm starting to miss you less and less. Whenever you tell me you're out doing something I now find myself caring less. I'm scared that you're losing me.

I'm scared that we're losing this. I'm scared that we're losing us. I used to want to go out all the time cause I knew I would see you, but now all I want to do is sit at home. I sit at home hoping that you'd show up on my doorsteps or that'd you even call me and say that you're staying in too cause all you want is to hear my voice. But, thats not gonna happen either. I sit by the phone all alone in the dark drunk on hope. I stay up late at night wondering if you miss me too. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and look at my phone just to see that there are no missed calls or texts from you. And once again, I wake up at 6 in the morning just to see if you did call during that short duration of time. I find myself worrying about you day and night when you can't even give me one single text that you're safe. I'm not happy these days. I find myself laying on my bed and staring at the blank walls as if a picture would suddenly appear. I do this day in and day out and I realize that in the duration that I do this all I think about is you. My mind doesn't wander at all. The only thought in my mind is you. Its as clear as daylight. Little beads of tears form at the corners of my eyes and I always manage to wipe them off, get dressed, and go out with SMC and pretend as if everything is ok. I just tell myself everyday that everything is ok hoping that everything will be ok even if things start to go downhill. I'm so stubborn to just admit it all.

I'm scared to tell others about how I feel about us because I know their advice all leads up to me leaving you. It hurts and angers me when people tell me to leave you. I don't want to leave you. I just want to make us better. Why is it that every time things get bad people tell us to leave one another? I'm crying so hard right now I can barely finish typing this up. Kong Peng, I love you so much. I don't want this to end. I don't want us to have a misunderstanding of the heart. I sometimes feel foolish and stupid because sooo many people has forewarned me about you and how you're still used to living that bachelor life, but I took a chance. I took a chance cause I believed you'd come around, but now more than ever I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to wait forever, and still you're not going to come around, or even try to come around. I just don't want to set myself up for a heartbreak or disappointment. I can't do this to myself anymore. I love you KP. I love you so much.....so much to the point that its starting to break my heart.

Truly Yours, Kia Yang