Astounded

Crushed

Wednesday, April 21, 2010,4:43 PM

I will not fall. I will not fall. I will NOT fall. I WILL prevail. Its been so hard this past year. Life has been a struggle for me every single day. I always find myself falling. I always find myself alone in so many struggles. I find myself trying to make up for the mistakes I made every single damn day of my life and I thought I finally redeemed myself. I thought I finally made everything ok again, but after today I'd rather jump off a cliff. I can't stop crying. I want to stop crying cause I haven't cried like this for the longest time. I thought I became stronger. I thought the tears weren't as present like they used to be. I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy from here on out. I didn't think a storm would come rolling in anytime soon. I was wrong.

Today a big black cloud of thunder storms moved in on my life and closed in on me. It suffocated me and made it so I couldn't see for miles. It closed in on me trapping me and making it so I could never move. All the old little monsters I thought I locked away forever came back. They broke free of their chains and now they won't stop tormenting me. A fight broke out. My safety walls came crashing down. My tears poured out as if they've been there all along just waiting for me to break down any moment. Hurtful words were exchanged and the truth came out. The truth came out as lethal poison that found its way into my bloodstream. Sending sudden spasms of pain deep into the chambers of my heart and soul. Slowly killing me. Half alive and half dead. As I am writing this now tears are welling up. I can barely see. Oh god, I miss Doua. I miss him. I miss how he would turn to me and tell me I think too much and simply laugh it off. I miss how he'd tell me that I'm the weakest person he knows, and for that he wants to take care of me. I miss our young childish days. Walking in the rain during my birthday. Hanging out on the blacktop during elementary. I miss those innocent days so much. I thought I was happy, but now, I guess, I have to come to terms with the truth. I have to admit to myself....that everything is NOT ok. And it probably will never be ok.

I have spent 19 years of my life pretending that it will be ok when I know it will never ever be ok. I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to redeem myself. I know I made mistakes. Terrible ones. Mistakes that could have possibly brought me down so low, but I managed to get back up. Mistakes that tore my friends, family, and I apart. I have to admit...I was stupid. Here I am beating myself up every damn day. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I stare at myself and hope for something beautiful. For something worth being proud of, but all I hear are the words slut, whore, and disgrace. I thought I was finally home, but god, I was wrong. SO damn wrong. Its so hard to keep up my self esteem. Everywhere I go people tell me that I'm gorgeous or that I'm beautiful, but honestly I don't care. I look in the mirror and I wished I had more. I wish I was stronger and that I didn't break down all the time. I wish I actually had something in life going for me. All my friends are doing so well in school...and honestly, I'm in school too.....but sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it. I have no one supporting me telling me I'll make it and that I'll be a wonderful top makeup artist. Instead I have my mother who is always telling me I'm going to fail and that she regrets putting me through school. And most of all I have siblings that resent me. I guess thats what I get for living in an patriarchal secretive strict family.

I will not break. *sighs* I will not break. I'm gonna make it through. Today is just a rock that I stumbled upon in my path of life. I will get a scraped knee, but I shall get back up, put on a band-aid and continue. I will not break. I will NOT break. I will be ok. I am going to be ok. I hope I'll be ok. =(

Truly Yours, Kia Yang