Astounded

What Happened?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010,5:19 PM

I can't shake it off. I'm so stressed. I've been more stressed than usual lately. I feel like I don't know who to go to about my problems anymore. I don't know how to express myself anymore. I feel like no one is there or maybe its just me. Maybe I can't open up anymore. Maybe I feel as if I can't trust anyone anymore. I just can't shake it off. I guess ever since that one night that I talked to Yee....I feel as though I'm worthless. So damn worthless. I was wrong. So damn wrong. I am afraid to love. So afraid. What was I thinking? Giving my all to KP in a mere matter of months? What the hell!? I'm practically setting myself up for a heartbreak. I shouldn't have gotten back into a relationship. I can't do this again. I can't. I just don't want to be alone. I guess I want someone to show me that I'm worth loving....but now I can slowly see.....if I can't see myself as a worthy person then I don't think anything will ever work out for me. If I can't love myself and deem myself worthy then even if a guy gives me the whole world I'll still see myself as a pathetic imbecile. I'm one sad sad little person.

I guess I've just been ignoring everything cause I can't afford to break down or fall behind. I just can't. As much as it hurts I must take it all in. All the senseless beatings and needless arguments. I must take it all in. Remember when you told me to hold on? Well guess what, I am and I have been holding on. I've been holding on this entire time. I know...I know I always try to be so tough and I always try to be so strong, but I'm not. There are nights when I breakdown alone cause I can't take it anymore, but no one needs to know that. Remember when you told me that you'll be strong for me? Well, we both know that isn't possible. You're moving on with life and so am I. Everyone moves on. Remember those days when I'd wake up and I'd know you'd always have my back? Well those days are long gone. And honestly......now I'm standing alone. Aren't you proud of me? For once I'm not bitching and moaning so often about my problems? Aren't you proud I'm not as dramatic anymore? Aren't you proud? Its hard honestly. I'm not used to having to bottle up everything. I feel like I just reversed back two years worth of therapy. I learned how to open up and now I'm learning how to close myself in again. Everyone has enough troubles. They don't need to be bothered by mines. I know, I know. You always told me that if they were true friends they'd listen to me. But.....they're not you. They don't listen to my every problem and buy me ice cream or save me the last piece of chocolate.

Sorry about that last paragraph. I guess that was just me writing to a friend. That friend should know who they are. I'm falling apart at the seams, but thank the lord that he gave me such good acting skills. I bitch and moan some days, but I never let anyone see the true problems. I don't want to cry like a dumb gal in front of everyone. I hate crying in front of others. I seldom do it. I only cry when I have my solitary moments in my room. Life is so stressful. GOD! Help me! My heart feels like its breaking all over again. I feel stupid and foolish. Family. Financial issues. School. Friends. Boyfriend. Self-issues. Everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. This isn't fun. I have a lot running through my mind. My fingers are cold from typing now. The basement is so damn cold.

I feel like I'm talking to myself. *sighs* Its almost my birthday weekend and I'm no longer excited. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to be out and about at all. Fuck my birthday. Its just the day I was born. Nothing special. Every year it usually just comes and passes. And usually every year on my birthday I'm unhappy. How terrible. I don't remember having a nice birthday at all. I just remember arguments and tears.

Tell me this isn't goodbye?

='(

Love, Kia Yang