Astounded

Writing Just To Write

Tuesday, September 7, 2010,3:39 PM

Writing just to write....writing just to try and feel better......

I don't know where to start or how to even write this out. I just know my heart is flooded with emotions that I can't quite grasp yet. I feel like I have wasted so much energy on someone who barely notices the fact that my heart is breaking. I always feel like everything is just wrong these days. I guess I now know why I had such terrible butterflies the other day. I just couldn't shake it. I lose myself in all these things that occur. Everytime I'm around you I realize more and more how free-spirited you are. I realize how much you want to be loved, but I also realized how unready you are to fully love another. I realized that my feelings are always put into some sort of box and locked away until the very last moment when I'm at my breaking point. These days aren't easy for me anymore...not like how they used to be. I used to feel so happy just to be with you even if you didn't give me the time of the day. All that mattered was that I was with you. Now I sit in the corner drunk on hope wishing that you'll turn around and smile at me instead of chugging down 6 cans of beers with your friends. I sit in the corner realizing that sometimes I may only be here for show. I look at the time and its 12 o' clock. I sit a little bit longer. Look at the time again just to realize its 4 o' clock now. I look around and realize I'm sitting alone still. Realizing I'm just being neglected. Realizing that no one has talked to me. Realizing that I'm the only girl in a room full of guys. Realizing that this entire time....you barely looked at me twice or even cared to ask me how Iwas or what I wanted to do. Why do you do this to me?

I know you say that I don't understand the fact that "guys will be guys", but perhaps YOU don't understand that you make me feel so small. You make me feel like I don't matter anymore. Then again, when did I ever matter? The only time when I did matter was when it was before Christmas. After Christmas, I was just like an old joke that was told too many times and got boring. You always get so jealous when I speak of other guys, but you expect me to be cool about it when you speak of other girls. I've held my tongue for so long. I always hold my tongue when it comes to you. I usually don't mind when your eyes are wandering or the fact that you'd wish I'd look differently, but its starting to get to me. I want a guy who can go out with me in my sweats and still point at me and say "She's my girlfriend". I want a guy who, even though he looks at other girls, can still say, "they're nothing compared to you". I want a guy who can say there are tons of pretty girls all over the world, but only I am beautiful. I want a guy who says I'm perfect the way I am without all of the imperfections. Not a guy who talks about how gorgeous another girl is or how much he longs for me to look a certain way. Its starting to take toll on my self-esteem. Its starting to make me feel ugly on the inside. Making me not want to try to even dress up or doll up anymore. You don't see me telling you to look a certain way or telling you how attractive another man is. I always try to make sure to let you know that you're my number one regardless.

I can barely write right now. =(

tbc..........