Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;)

My name is Kia, but you can call me Nana as well. I'm 19 years old and currently reside in Minnesota. I'm a cosmetology student at Minnesota School of Cosmetology. I love art in all its forms. I love makeup and fashion. I'm very passionate about the field I'm in. I also write and read. I still believe reading is one of the best forms of entertainment out there. I'm a loving sweet person who enjoys being around her loved ones. I love all things girly and I'm very easygoing. I'm also a child at heart. Give me ice cream and a smile will instantaneously appear on my face. I'm outgoing and friendly. Most of all, I'm Kia Yang and I do the impossible. =)

"My goal as a cosmetologist is not to make the world beautiful one person at a time, but to show them that they are beautiful one person at a time" ♥

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Annoyed ★ Somewhere Only We Know ★ A Letter To Myself ★ All That I Can Hear ★ Dear Love ★ Writing Just To Write ★ Tangled Up In Silence ★ A Million Reasons Why ★ Be My Hero ★ Farewell and Bitter Tears ★ February 2010 ★ March 2010 ★ April 2010 ★ May 2010 ★ June 2010 ★ July 2010 ★ August 2010 ★ September 2010 ★ Layout & image by wickedicy others : x x

I'm listening to "Four In The Morning" again and I can't stop crying. I'm staring at this computer screen again with nothing but the lingering sting of pain and loneliness. I sit here looking at this blank white screen and wondering what to put down. I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I don't know how to make things right anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make it right again. I feel like a hole was just punched through my heart and now I'm missing all the pieces that fit. We once used to be so happy and now I feel as though nothing is right anymore. I feel as if all our happy moments were just dreams and you're just a distant memory that I like to dwell on. Tell me, how do I make this work again? Tell me, how do I bring us back to something better? Tell me and I'll do it. Tell me what it is or may be and I'll go fetch it no matter the distance. Tell me and I'll make it happen. I just want to make us happy again. I want us to be a whole again. I just want us back. You and I. I don't want the rest of the world but you. I don't want anything but you. Sadly, the thing I want the most is out of my reach.

Yes, a whole single day with you is TOO much to ask for. A single moment without anyone else is practically impossible. And anything else from you is pretty close to, "its never gonna happen". I know its never simple, but I'm scared that I may have to let you go. You have no idea how much its hurting me. I feel like this love is such a one way love. I sit up in bed all night wondering about you. I think about your smile and your cute little eyes. I think about your soft kisses and light hugs. I think about your beautiful personality and your big soft side. I think about how careful you are with me as if I'm fragile glassware. I think about how you're so concerned for my well being. I think about all of this and I simply cry. Why on Earth would I ever want to lose that? Why on Earth would I ever want to let go? I don't want to let go. Even though sometimes it hurts I hold on cause I want us to work. Now, I'm starting to wonder why I'm holding on. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you're not even fighting or making an effort. I'm starting to care less and less. I told you from the start, if you don't give me your all then please don't expect me to give you my all. Its so hard for me to act like I don't miss you or I don't care cause I do. Although, now its beginning to catch on. I'm starting to miss you less and less. Whenever you tell me you're out doing something I now find myself caring less. I'm scared that you're losing me.

I'm scared that we're losing this. I'm scared that we're losing us. I used to want to go out all the time cause I knew I would see you, but now all I want to do is sit at home. I sit at home hoping that you'd show up on my doorsteps or that'd you even call me and say that you're staying in too cause all you want is to hear my voice. But, thats not gonna happen either. I sit by the phone all alone in the dark drunk on hope. I stay up late at night wondering if you miss me too. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and look at my phone just to see that there are no missed calls or texts from you. And once again, I wake up at 6 in the morning just to see if you did call during that short duration of time. I find myself worrying about you day and night when you can't even give me one single text that you're safe. I'm not happy these days. I find myself laying on my bed and staring at the blank walls as if a picture would suddenly appear. I do this day in and day out and I realize that in the duration that I do this all I think about is you. My mind doesn't wander at all. The only thought in my mind is you. Its as clear as daylight. Little beads of tears form at the corners of my eyes and I always manage to wipe them off, get dressed, and go out with SMC and pretend as if everything is ok. I just tell myself everyday that everything is ok hoping that everything will be ok even if things start to go downhill. I'm so stubborn to just admit it all.

I'm scared to tell others about how I feel about us because I know their advice all leads up to me leaving you. It hurts and angers me when people tell me to leave you. I don't want to leave you. I just want to make us better. Why is it that every time things get bad people tell us to leave one another? I'm crying so hard right now I can barely finish typing this up. Kong Peng, I love you so much. I don't want this to end. I don't want us to have a misunderstanding of the heart. I sometimes feel foolish and stupid because sooo many people has forewarned me about you and how you're still used to living that bachelor life, but I took a chance. I took a chance cause I believed you'd come around, but now more than ever I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to wait forever, and still you're not going to come around, or even try to come around. I just don't want to set myself up for a heartbreak or disappointment. I can't do this to myself anymore. I love you KP. I love you so much.....so much to the point that its starting to break my heart.

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

So I was thinking to myself about whats been going on lately and I realized I had quite a few Chua moments lately. Haha.

#1: The other day when I was with KP and my lovely SMC we were at Cub's. KP and I decided to go back to the car first and right when we walked out I saw a sign that said, "We Cut Down Prices On Over 8000 Items!". I turned and looked at KP and said, "look hun, they cut down prices on over 1000 items" and pointed at the sign. KP laughed and just said, "you mean 8000?" Haha, he wouldn't stop picking on me for the rest of the day. Haha.

#2: Out of boredom SMC and I decided to go out and have a photoshoot, nothing special, but just a normal photoshoot. We were at Mounds Park and Kong wanted me to lay down on the concrete to be able to get a headshot. I swore I saw this huge ass bird! I pointed up and was like, "OMG! A bird you guys! Its friggen huge!" Everyone looked up and saw nothing. Sadee's reply was, "If its so huge how come we can't see it?" Hahaha ooohhh dang...damn those holes in my brain!

#3: The very same day, but earlier on, my sister had called me. I asked her how she was doing and all that good stuff. I then asked her what she was up to and she replied to me, "I'm sewing outside". I was like, "what, its out snowing outside?" She replied, "no, I'm sewing outside." Me: What? Its flowing outside? My sister: No, I'm sewing outside! Me: What? Snowing? Flowing......I don't understand that word My sister: S E W I N G! Hahah this went on for a good five minutes until the word finally registered into my mind.

XD

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

Wowzers, I haven't blogged for awhile. Not a lot has happened lately, but I'm starting school next monday. Tomorrow is my orientation and I get all my pretty stuff! My entire kit and all the goodies it comes with! Yay! I'm one happy camper. I'm gonna be one busy ladyyyy. I'm a promoter for Mirage Entertainment now too, so we shall see how that goes. I'll be in school and partying every Thursday. How am I ever going to keep this up!? Ahhh! Gosh darn. I guess it'll be hectic but I'm soooooo excited for everything to kick off and start! Eek! Life and all the good things are finally coming together for me.

The boyfriend and I are doing good as well. Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure. It seems like we're struggling here and there, but I don't really know what to say anymore. I love him and thats all that matters. I'm gonna stick with him regardless. I'm gonna stick with him to the end. He's the best. Nothing but the best and surely, nothing less of the best. Haha. This is us and nothing can change that.

Anyways, lately the weather has been wonderful but my attitude has been so shitty. I have no idea whats wrong with me. I've just been so moody and crabby. And yes, I'm jumping all over again cause I'm trying to update a lot of things all at once. Haha. I finally went to the library again as well. I picked up Ha Jin's The Bridegroom and this other booked called True Colors. I forgot the name of the author. I haven't read True Colors yet, but when I'm done I'll surely blog about it. The Bridegroom was pretty good. I liked it better than A Free Life. That book was just a whole lot of depressing things. Haha. And I don't want depressing things. I want happy things in my life at the moment. Haha, I remember Mrs. McKenna telling us that all the good classic literature is filled of only depressing things. So true. None of the stories have a happy ending. Haha. Gee, how I miss high school and lit classes with Mrs. McKenna and Ms. Nelson. Haha.

Well, I don't know what to write about anymore. I'm kinda exhausted mentally, so off I go. Toodles.

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

I have so many plans for summer, but I doubt I'll be able to carry them all out since I'll be attending school and all. It makes me sad, but I'm still gonna list them. =)

Sexy Summer 2010:
1. Go fishing with SMC & KP & Doua
2. Go camping with SMC & KP
3. Valleyfair!
4. Paintball with SMC & KP & the fambam
5. BBQ's and picnics
6. Swimming!
7. Road tripping
8. Party Party Party!
9. Edumacate myself, e.g. museums, art exhibits
10. Walk around town to get ice cream
11. Skinny dipping!
12. Random artistic projects with SMC, e.g. photoshoots, time capsule moments
13. Stargazing with my topps!
14. Bonfires and late night drinking
15. Eggroll Plus! SMC has gotta go!
16. Camping in someone's backyard. Haha, we gotta do that shit!
17. Kissing in the rain
18. Waterballoon fights!
19. Late night walks
20. International Falls with the fambam<33
21. Canada with the fambam (it didn't work out last year)
22. Fishing in Lake Mille Lacs with the famzzz
23. Drive in moviessss and bbq
24. J4 Tourney with my lovelies (we're going manhunting for Chua)
25. Meteor shower with my topps
26. Take my nieces and nephew swimming
27. Late nights with KP

When I think of more, I'll definitely put it up. =)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I feel like I sometimes forget how wonderful the people I love are. I sometimes take them for granted as they have taken me for granted. I guess everyone feels like that sometimes. I think so much these days. I am just trying my best to be considerate of everyone these days. I don't want anyone to feel as if I don't care because I do.

I'm starting school on April 5th and I am sooo damn excited. I will be working part time and attending school full time. I won't being seeing anyone at all anymore! I'm so stressed out. So much to do in little time. I just want to get my financial issues taken care of. I wish I had all the money in the world so I wouldn't have to worry about it. KP keeps telling me not to worry, but I do! I worry. I worry cause I feel like I'm in this all alone. I don't have much support from my family at all. Oh well, I just have to remember that this is for me. For the better. For my life. In the end, it'll all pay off. Oh how I miss free education now! Haha. I sure took high school for granted. Imagine if we had to pay for k-12 education too! We'd all be damn broke! Although I am happy. I got a lot of my tuition paid off by federal money! Less for me to worry about. Imagine if I had to pay 10,000 out of my own pocket! Ack! I'd go crazy!

Lately I've been finding myself wanting more time to myself too. I don't know why either, but my time alone is fun for me. I find myself enjoying it a lot these days. I find myself doing things that I used to do and I find myself being able to sort things out for myself. I like it. Its a newfound sort of odd happiness. I'm skipping all over the place with my thoughts. I guess my mind is all over the place. I'm kind of stressed too. I have to get so much done in so little time. Its excited yet overwhelming. I gotta go out and find me a janky car too and pay for it all on my own. I'm so damn broke. But hey! It pays off! Right!? I get me a car to drive around...even if its a janky ass car. And then I have to plan events for Mirage. Do makeup for them. Direct photoshoots. Do all that good stuff. Life will be busy busy busy but thats how I like it. I realized I don't like my down times when I have shit to do. I like having my schedule packed so I always have something to do. Although....I don't want to be so busy that the people I love will have to be penciled into my schedule or have hangouts bumped to another day of the week. Those I love will always be my first priority.

I'm excited. But lately I've been so lethargic and sickly. I don't know whats wrong either. No matter what I do I still feel sickly. I work out and eat healthy but I still find myself sickly. I hope its nothing big. I hope all those bad medical issues don't occur again. They haven't worked up since 08-09 winter. KP! Stop smoking around me! My mother can tell I'm unhealthy again these days too. She's prescribing me soooo many herbal medicine and stuff. And she's stuffing fruits and veggies down my throat like there is no tomorrow! If Doua was here he'd attack me with meds! Ick! I hate taking my meds.

This past weekend was terrible too! Nothing went as planned and people got mad at me. I just sat at home all sad like a puppy that just got kicked. I felt really alone and weird this weekend. I felt out of place like no matter where I went or who I was with...I didn't belong. I just wanted to come home and sleep it all off. I've been moodswinging like crazy. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I just need time away from people I guess. I feel weird these days. Its hard to explain. Maybe its like what everyone has been telling me, I'm growing up.

I know, I know....my blog today was all over the place, but I guess thats how I feel mentally. I'm all over the place. I need to hit up the library again for more books.

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

So, my stupid self kinda messed up my FAFSA! Nooo! Darn. I gotta redo it and fix it and stuff. I don't really understand whats going on either. Grr. Stupid me. I'm such a big dum dum. Anyways, today is such a nice day out. I don't have much to blog about. I just wanna go outside and enjoy the sunshine, but at the same time I have so much to do. PAPERWORK! Grrr. I hate all of this paperwork. It frustrates me. Oh well, might as well get it done and stuff. School is school. And I like school! I'm so excited for school. Yay. I wanna go shopping for Spring too. But I'm a broke bum. I feeeeeeeeeeel wondrous today!

I feel soooooo good today. I feel like a superwoman today. Weeeeeeeee! I'm feeling damn good a bout everything today. So go out and have yourself a fine ass good feeling day as well!

Yours Truly, Kia Yang

These are my 100 reasons as to why I love Kong Peng Tou Phue Yeng Xiong (I put all his names together, haha):

1. I love his smile.
2. I love the way he laughs.
3. I love the way he tells his jokes
4. I love the way he steals my jokes.
5. I love the way he pouts when I say no.
6. I love his tubby tummy
7. I love the way he loves me for who I am
8. I love how he smokes even if its bad for him because he looks so damn hot while smoking haha.
9. I love how he kisses my forehead.
10. I love how he's so kiddish while intoxicated
11. I love how he sings so softly
12. I love how he treats me like a fragile being
13. I love how he spoils me with all that I want
14. I love how he stops me from doing bad things even if he knows I want to do it badly. He's watching out for me.
15. I love how he'll beat anyone's ass for me haha
16. I love the fact that he'll shank anyone for me
17. I love the way we joke with one another
18. I love how he kisses me
19. I love how he's always honest
20. I love the fact that he always tries for me
21. I love how he tries to act so tough, but deep inside he's a big softie
22. I love his stuck up look and his boyish look
23. I love how he's so sweet to me
24. I love how he tries to fatten me up
25. I love how he takes care of me even when I'm being a big annoying baby
27. I love how he holds me to sleep and then ends up pushing me away in the middle of the night haha
28. I love how he steals the blankets away at night
29. I love how he doesn't let anyone speak ill of me
30. I love how he's so protective of me
31. I love it when he's so darn aggressive
32. I love how he cooks for his family
33. I love the fact that he loves his grandmother so much
34. I love how he's so family oriented
35. I love how he makes me his first priority
36. I love how he's such a deep sleeper
37. I love how he has his little "moments"
38. I love it when he gets sleepy on me
39. I love it when he confesses his growing love to me.
40. I love how he can't keep his hands off of me! Hah!
41. I love it when we go on walks together
42. I love it when he's being a whiney baby and wants my comfort
43. I love it when he makes his cute sad face
44. I love how he says, "happy thoughts, ok?"
45. I love how he says sorry to me even when he doesn't have to
46. I love the way he talks real loud when he's with his guys, hahahah!
47. I love how he jumps into SMC's convos and make stupid comments
48. I love his taste in music
49. I love how he force feeds me, haha, meanie
50. I love the way he loves me
51. I love the way he tells me everything will be ok
52. I love how "gangsta" he is
53. I love how he gets kicked out when he goes clubbing! LOL moments!
54. I love the way he dances
55. I love the way he holds me
56. I love the way he holds my hands and touches my tiny little fingers
57. I love the way he makes me feel when holds me really tight
58. I love how he's so patient with everything and everyone
59. I love how he says, "do you do the anger?"
60. I love how thoughtful and considerate he is of others
61. I love how he looks when he's thinking or frustrated
62. I love how he sticks out his tongue
63. I love how he teases me
64. I love the way he dresses
65. I love the way he smells
66. I love how he's soooo concieted about his looks
67. I love the fact that he's so confident
68. I love how he speaks his mind
69. I love the fact that he's so respectful of others, he makes makes up for my lack of respect haah
70. I love how he supports me in all that I do
71. I love how he texts me good morning every single day
72. I love how he tells me good night and sweet dreams every night
73. I love how worked up he gets when he knows he's going to get to see me that day
74. I love it when he kisses me on the forehead
75. I love it when he pinches me cheeks and give me eskimo kisses
76. I love the fact that he texts me on a daily basis!
77. I love how he gets worried about me just because I don't text back right away
78. I love how he always wants me happy
79. I love the way he cuddles up with me
80. I love the way he looks at me
81. I love how he tells the whole world I'm the only one for him
82. I love how he says my name
83. I love the way he calls me sweetie
84. I love the way he walks, ahaha, he walks like he's the bomb
85. I love the way he looks when he walks up to me with his hands in his pockets
86. I love how he brings me cookies and ice cream
87. I love how he forces himself to stay up just to be able to hear my voice on the phone
88. I love the way he told me I'm his forever
89. I love how he gives me piggy back rides
90. I love how he asks me everyday how my day went
91. I love how he laughs and then turns around to look at me smiling, it makes me feel as if the sun just shined on me.
92. I love how he takes BIG risks for me
93. I love how he knows me by heart.
94. I love how gets up in the morning and turns around to me to say, "good morning beautiful"
95. I love how he gets up and stretches...that lazy butt
96. I love how he scratches his head when he doesn't know what to do
97. I love how he randomly says "fuck" for no reason
98. I love how he says "fucking fuck" or "fucking a"
99. I love the way he looks when he's soundly falling asleep
100. I love him for who he is, I love everything about him.

100 reasons for KP Xiong and I can still keep writing more. =)

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

Dearest KP,

I know I have been a jerk to you lately. I've been whining day in and day out. I've been such a brat. All I do is complain about this and that. All I do is talk about what I want and what I don't want. I've been so selfish and inconsiderate lately. I'm terribly sorry. Forgive me? You put up with all the crap I give you and you never expect anything from me. You silently put up with my bs and love me regardless. I am so thankful for you sweetheart. I know I may sometimes may you feel like you don't matter to me as much as my friends, but thats a lie. I love you just as much. I sometimes lose sight of how wonderful you are to me, but I never lose sight of what you mean to me or how much I love you. You stood by me even when the world made it seem as if we're not meant to be together. You stood by me even when it seemed like all hope was lost. I'm sooo sorry that I've been throwing such a bitch fit lately, but I love you all the more since you didn't lash back out on me and stood by me lovingly.

I want you to know just how much you mean to me. Even though somedays it seems like we're so far apart from one another, I hold on. Even though sometimes I feel like the odds are against us, I hold on. Who cares about what the world thinks or says? I have you and thats all that matters. They can say all that they want or even try to pull us apart, we're better than that. I remember when we first started talking, people couldn't stop running their mouthes about us, but who cares! Its only because we're such an orgasmic couple. Haha. I'm so glad we stuck through it together. We're so compatible we make the whole world jealous. When we argue we always come to terms that we both can agree on. Nothing comes close to how I feel for you. Some people may not understand why I love you so much, but its only because they don't see what I see in you. When I look at you, I see love. When I look at you, I see hope and faith. When I look at you, I see strength and courage. When I look at you, I see my everything. My forever. Nothing can compare to how I feel for you. With you all those damn corny cliche love lines make sense now. You are my sun, my air, my trees. As corny as it sounds, it all makes sense.

I want you to know that I'll always stand beside you. Who needs the rest of the world when I have you? What I have in you is nothing compared to what the rest of the world can offer. A life without you isn't a life I would want to lead. Life is much sweeter and enjoyable when I have someone like you to share it with. I love you sweetheart. Ever since I met you only good things have happened. All the bad things were weeded out and only seeds of love and joy were planted. I'm glad I have you to help me tend to this garden of life. You have made me appreciate life so much more. Ice cream tastes better now and life is so much more beautiful. Its like I woke up and looked outside and all I see are rainbows and happy jolly things. Unicorns exist and twillerbees pop up everywhere now! You make all the impossible things seem so realistically possible. You're so amazing and I apologize soooo much that I've been making you feel like you're less than that. You're not. You're much more than anyone in the entire world could ever imagine.

Some days you may feel so far from me, but I hold on. Some days you feel so distant, but I hold on. I hold on cause I know you'd hold onto me. I hold on because I know if I let go I would never ever find anyone as wonderful and loving as you. You accept all my crazy flaws and love them with your sweet tender love. You kiss all my owwies away. GOSH DARN YOU! You've got me soooo hooked on you. But not hooked like a drug...you've got me hooked like you're ice cream. You're essential to my life and my happiness. Ice cream used to make me so happy. It would make me stop crying instantaneously, but these days I find myself wanting you instead of ice cream. You've become my entire world. A world full of grumpy toasts and brown cows. Sweetheart, I know I've said this before, but don't let me be your treasure. I'm not a treasure you have to go digging for and get stuck in a hole. I am your sun, your air, your trees, your water, and your silly geese. I am all that good stuff. With me, you won't get stuck in a dark deep hole. With me, you'll be thriving and living. I'll be right here with you. You don't have to look anywhere else because I'll be by your side. I'll be holding your hand on this pathway of life. If you fall, we both fall together. We'll share the laughter and the tears.

I believe in you. I support you in all that you do. I'll always have your back cause bby, I'm down for you. I love you. All I want is for you to be happy. "I'm getting into you cause you got into me in a way that words can't describe". I will always be here. I love you. Others may say that its too soon to call it love, but I say to them, "boo on you". Who are they to know how we feel for each other? No one knows how we feel for one another except you and I. Its the scariest thought ever, but I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I have so much hope and faith in you. Whenever I lay with you, I always wish that I could put the entire world on pause. I love laying down and simply just looking at you. Never have I ever experienced sooo much love in one moment than at that moment that I'm just looking at you. Your embrace makes the whole world disappear as if only you and I exist. As if you and I are the only people that matter in this world. In your beautiful eyes, at that moment, I can see that I'm the only person and thing that matters. In that moment I can tell that we're all that matters and all that will ever matter. If I could stop the world at that very moment, I would forever be happy with life. Sweetheart, I love you. You are my everything and will always be my everything. I love you Smokey my monstrous rapist silly lazy brown cow.

Forever and Ever Yours, Kia Yang

Today I went running around the block. I had my mp3 player with me and I was listening to "It Never Rains" by Neyo and I started to cry. I cried so hard I had to stop running. I stopped running and just sat by the curb and cried my heart out. I walked back home and cried on my doorsteps too. I just kept crying. I was crying out of sadness and happiness. I remembered that when I was angry I used to run all the time. I would just put on my shoes and run until I felt happier. I would feel as if I was running far away from all my pain and troubles. I would run even if it hurt my lungs to breathe. I would just run. And I guess, today, I realized I had no troubles to run from. I had nothing to fear or protect myself from anymore. I finally felt safe and secure with my life. It was a newfound happiness. It really was. Yet, I was sad. I can't quite describe the sadness either. It was just a deep empty sorrow that I felt. I really wanted to see my dearest boyfriend today. I wanted him to tell me that this newfound hope and happiness is here to stay. I wanted him to hold me and tell me its ok. That I no longer have to put up these walls to protect myself cause everyone that is in my life is here to stay. And that even if things happen in the future, its not because they're out to hurt me. I needed him today of all day.

Oddly enough, I didn't need my SMC today. I really needed my KP. I needed him to tell me that everything is a for sure. I needed him to tell me that my family and I will only see better days. I needed him today for he is my rock. I know, I know, I'm moodswinging like CRAZY! I guess, overall, I'm really really happy with life. I'm just scared that it'll all slip away from my fingers. Aside from that, I'm really happy that MK and I can still be on mutual terms. She's grown so much too. I can really tell that she's matured. We all have. We're all growing up.

And on a side note, I feel really inspired today. I feel like I can write forever. I really can. I'm gonna finish writing my letters for my SMC babes today for our friendship time capsule. I'm so blessed and thankful. I guess God has been listening to my prayers all along. He just wanted me to go through a few obstacles so that I can appreciate all that I have in front of me even more. Thanks. I need all that drama so I could realize that all I ever wanted and needed was right here along. =)

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

So we decided to be real cool kids and go walking on Sunday. Sunday was amazingly gorgeous out! I loved it! Well, anways, we decided to go walking at Harriet Island and Raspberry Island. It was so much fun. Its always fun and never dull with Chua around. Haha. Her and her Chua moments.

Chua Moment #1:
We were walking past a fence that was the entrance to a bunch of boat homes, I believe, and Chua saw a sign that said, "Slips Available, Call -------". For some reason she thought they were literal slips. As in slipping and falling on ice or something. So, she bursted out, "Huh? Slips available? Why would someone want to slip?" Hahahaha. She then realized what it was. Ohhhh Chua. Haha. LMFAO.

Chua Moment #2:
We finally got to Raspberry Island after walking around Harriet Island. We got to the end of Raspberry Island with the steps that lead into the river. We were all sitting on the steps just enjoying the view when Chua shouted, "OMG, there's ducks you guys!" We all turned to look like we usually do. And it turned out her "four ducks" was just a log floating down the Mississippi River. Hahaha. Poor Chua. She swore they were ducks.

Chua Moment #3:
Walking back to our car from Raspberry Island, we walked past this red car and inside hung a little piece of paper. Chua turned to look at it and shouted, "OMG you guys I thought that was face." Turns out, it was just a tiny piece of white paper hanging from the rearview mirror. XD

Give me some of your Chua moments yo!

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

The last few weeks have been kinda emotionally stressful and I have no idea why either. I was just kinda moodswinging I guess. I was really hurt and broken for awhile there, but I'm glad everything got exposed. I'm glad everything is out in the open now. I'm glad I can now see who are my true friends and who isn't. I'm kinda calming down on my moodswings. And I'm trying to stop myself from lashing out at my boyfriend so much. Oh, and I finally finished all my books. I was really disappointed in Ha Jin's A Free Life. Overall, its a good book, but it drags out so long and is quite depressing. Oh well. Time to hit the library again and find me some more books. Oh how I love my books. Books make me happy, not ugly people. When I say ugly people, I meant ugly as spiritually ugly.....if that makes sense.

And I wanna apologize to my dearest boyfriend. He's been putting up with my moodswings and crazy emotions. I'm sorry sweetheart. You put up with me all the time and don't ask for anything in return. I'm soooo sorry sweetheart. I must've broke your heart ten times this week alone. I'm sorry. I do care for you and love you a lot. I was just moodswinging since I was unsure of everything in my life at the moment. I apologize hunn. Please don't be mad. Love you long time. =)

Life is good! And yes, I'm finally attending school. I decided to go for MSC. Damn MCHD. They're so slow with everything. I am happy for myself. I am happy in general. People can hate all they want and say all they want. Life is beautiful and I am beautiful. As long as I have hope and faith in myself, no one can make me their prisoner. I love life. Living life to the fullest with all my top dawggs. Haha yes, I said it. Top dawggs yo! I love my family, my best friends, and KP. I say it all the time, but I do. The haters have made me appreciate those that I love even more. Looking at everything now, I'm glad I loved those pretentious people with all my heart. After they hurt me and scarred my heart, I've only grown from that. I have no regrets in my life because everything that happened has only made me a stronger person. I thank all those that have hurted me. You made me stronger. You made me grow. You made me wiser. You made me the Kia I am today. And the Kia I am today is amazingly beautiful.

Favorite song as of now: Call Your Name - Daughtry
go listen to it yo!

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

So my beautiful wondrous and outrageous best friend Chua always has her little "moments". Her moments where she blanks out or pronounces a word wrong. Ahaha, so I decided that I'm going to blog about her "Chua Moments" or other people's moments where they are doing practically the same thing. I wouldn't call them "blonde moments" because Chua's little moments are more unique and definitely more amusing and hilarious. I love you Chua. Haha. You're getting some publicity on my blog yo! So to anyone who may have any "Chua Moments", feel free to submit them in to me! =P

And to start it all off, here are a few of her "Chua Moments":

After a night of partying hard at some dude named Kou Her's place, we all decided to head out to Perkins. Chua is sitting with Sadee, Kong, and Hightia. I was sitting at another table with my beloved boyfriend his friends. Soo, Chua decides to ask Hightia what his favorite ice cream was. "So Hightia, whats your favorite ice cream?" Hightia replies, "sherbert". In all outrageousness and randomness, Chua shrieks out, "Strawberries! OMG, I love strawberries". Hahaha. In that same night she also asked him what kind of fruits he liked, he replied "oranges" and she bursted out say, "apples! I love apples". Hahahaha. Then when the time came for ordering her meal for the night she asked Sadee and Kong to help her with her ordering. She wanted to order a vegetable that started with the letter a, which evidently were asparagus. Being her dumb self, she ordered a sirloin steak and asparagus, the only thing was that she totally humiliated herself by pronouncing both words wrong. I'm going to try to spell it out in the ways she pronounced it. Haha. Its much funnier in person. She said, "Can I have the sir-lion steak and ah...ahh....ahhh-sparr-agus". Oooh that dumb bitch. Haha

And to share some other Chua moments:
This one night we were in BP and we decided to grab some wendy's. After eating, we drove back and for SOME ODD REASON, Chua drives by an empty parking lot and says, "OMG you guys we should've gone and ate there! They have a playground." We all turn to the left and look out the window only to find an empty parking lot and a huge business building. Ahaha. We all ask her "WTF Chua?!" And her reply was simply, "I thought I saw a playground there". Oooh Chua.

And another "Chua Moment" but experienced by my wonderful bf:
We decided to go to Cheng Heng just last saturday. I was talking about various restaurants I wanted to try and I came up Echiban. It was a sushi place that had a rotating sushi bar ordeal. I was telling him how cool it was and I really wanted to try it out just for the rotating sushi bar. He in return said, "So you wanna go to this place just cause it rotards?" I look at him puzzled and asked him, "Is rotard even a word?" Hahah we laughed it off and I told him he just had his first Chua moment. =)

Keep having all of your wonderful Chua Moments folks!

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

I haven't written for the past few days, so I thought I'd come on and put down a few random thoughts. For the past few days I have been so emotional. I had to come to terms with how things used to be and how things are now. I felt pretty empty these past few days, but now I think I'm going to be just fine. Sometimes there are things in the world that can make me feel so small and alone. They leave me feeling helpless and alone. I was left with a sense of emptiness and abandonment, but its ok, thats how life is. I'm no longer afraid of people coming into my life and leaving. And I am most definitely not scared to start on life. People can look down on me and say what they want, but what matters most is that I know who I am at the end of the day. What matters is that I'm proud of myself. What matters is that I'm doing this for myself and no one else. People only speak ill of you because they wished they could defy society's meaningless ways of conformation they way you do. People speak ill of you because they're afraid of what they don't know or understand. Narrow minded fools.

And so, here I am, a year stronger and wiser. It was around this time of the year last year when I was out on my ass alone. I remember how alone I felt. I remember who was there and who wasn't. I'm so glad that I've made it this far. I'm so glad that the changes that occurred happened. And honestly, I'm glad its over. I'm content with all that I have. Looking back, I don't regret a single thing. Not one single thing. I don't regret those nights we spent all night being wild and rambunctious. And I don't regret all the fights and tears. I had to take that road to lead me to where I am today. And who I am today and what I have today is truly a gift.

I love my crazy family. I love my gangster best friends. And most definitely, I love my gravity-defying-mind-blowing-crazy-son-of-a-gun-drunk-every-weekend boyfriend. ♥

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

Every girl has a group of friends she goes to when someone breaks her heart. A group of friends that a girl can go shopping with. A group of friends that a gal can do absolutely nothing with and still enjoy herself. Me and my best friends go by SMC, Sex Machines Crew, a name that we came up with while making fun of bboys. There were originally six of us, but now its come down to four of us. I'm quite confused as to what happened cause there really was no problem or disagreement of any sort. People choose to just stray I guess. People get older and grow up. They find new things to amuse themselves with and feel as though the old things have lost their luster. But, true friends never abandon one another. True friends don't find excuses for losing contact with one another. I'm usually never one to point fingers since I'm always the nice one, but this time around I'm different. Life's many obstacles has taught me to be less sweet and a tad more cruel. So yes, I am going to point fingers. And yes, I will be a bitch. And no, I won't be so forgiving anymore. And no, I won't return to you or cry those bitter tears for a friendship like yours. And no, I will not take you back with my loving arms. I'm tired of playing these games.

Honestly, I loved you two so much. I always forgave you guys and took you guys back with loving arms with no questions asked. But one too many times you guys took advantage of me. As friends, how can you guys do that to me? Don't even BITCH or MOAN about how no one is there for you. I'm so sick of hearing that excuse as to why you guys are always leaving SMC or that we don't make an effort to hang out. Or that all SMC does is party with one another and we don't care about each other emotionally. Take that bullshit of yours and shove it down your fucken throat. Yeah, I finally said it. How can we be there for you if you never open up? How can we invite you out to outings if you always say no? People get tired of inviting folks out that never actually come out or pull through on things. So don't even say we don't make an effort when YOU don't fucken make an effort too. Don't say that all we do is party with one another and crap like that! We party together, but you know through thick and thin SMC was always there to pull me up. I can say the same for you two as well. When you got backstabbed or people broke your fucken hearts, who was there!? Fucken ask yourself! Who was thered? Dumb broads.

Before I was sadden to lose you guys, but now more than ever I am happy. I am happy with all that I have right now. I don't regret a single thing. I still respect you guys and will say hi, I won't be childish about it, but dont' expect me to love you guys like how I used to anymore. That bridge has burned down. Take your pretentious love and get outta here. I'm so sick and tired of it. You guys claimed me, betrayed me, and threw me away. Where were you guys when I was lost and lonely? No where to be found. So I out to be the one saying that I barely got ANY emotional support from you guys. Bitches. Always thinking that we're such horrible friends. Get a fucken grip! We're human beings. We're bound to hurt and hurt others. Think of it that way and think about the hurt you guys inflicted too. Its not a one way street here dumbasses. It went both ways. But you guys are too busy being selfish to even think about that. Fuckers. SO damn selfish. And no, I'm not sorry for typing all of this cause its how I feel. Deal with it. And if you think I won't say the same thing in person, I will. I'm a changed Kia. I'm not so sweet anymore. I just never bitched about it before because I really believed in the good in you two, but god, did you two prove me wrong. So, all in all, I wish you guys luck. Go be happy elsewhere. Just don't bring back your pretentious love.

I have all that I need in my life right now. I have my fambam, my SMC babes, and KP. I'm a happier person. So to all the haters, keep on hating, ya'll give me promo. And to all the dumbasses who think they're so bomb I give you my middle finger. And to the two lost members of SMC, I give you a kind smile and a goodbye. I really hated much of our friendship. I was just a pawn. Used and thrown away. In every single photo of us three, I was the photographer and never included in a photo. What great friends. Bitch. Now I got my true homes, SMC all the way.

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

Dearest family, friends, and boyfriend,

I sometimes feel as if you all forget that I have a heart sometimes. I sometimes feel like I can't speak out about my feelings cause you all get annoyed. So in return I hide it all and hurt alone. I try really hard not to talk about myself or not to mention my feelings so often. I do. I try so hard to push everything to the back of my mind cause I know no one wants to hear about my problems. I know it all annoys you and most of the times you guys are speechless. But you all forget I'm a sensitive gal. You guys sometimes say or do things that cause a lot of misery to my poor little beaten up heart. Its hard for me to open up nor do I feel like I want to open up anymore. I just want to shut the world out for awhile. I think thats how I feel at the moment. I still don't understand my emotions.

Even if I ever come to a point where I know what I'm feeling I don't think I'm willing to share that anymore. I'm in my shut-out mode. I'm just gonna shut out everyone. I have so much love to give everyone and sometimes I feel like I don't receive much back. All I can say is I have never ever missed my mother so much before today. I miss her comforting hugs. I miss my father. I miss how he'd beat up anyone who'd hurt me. I miss my sisters and how'd they can joke with me about anything. I miss my brothers and how they seem so cowardly at times, but will step up to beat anyone's ass that touches a single hair on me. I miss my family. I miss them so much!

I miss you guys. I miss how we used to be. I love all of you guys so much. You guys don't know how unloved I feel in our family. I feel like I'm just a ghost when I'm at home. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss how my mom tells me I'm beautiful in her own little harsh ways. I love how she tells me she loves me in her own little angry secret messages. I love how my dad thinks no man is worthy of my hand in marriage. I love how my father spoils me with all that I want. I love how he lets me get away with anything and everything. Most of all, I miss my older sister Mai Ker. Mai Ker, I miss you. I'm sorry that we had our disagreements. I miss you so much. I miss how we used to talk for hours. I miss how you always believed in me. I miss how I could run to you when I was in pain and you'd always listen because you were my older sister. I miss how you would never complain when I was bitching about my problems cause you'd want to listen. You appreciated me for me. You always told me never to reach for the sky or the stars because for me, the possiblities had no limits. I miss you Mai Ker. I miss you.

So, once again, please, my loved ones, don't forget I have a heart. A fragile and frail heart. One that is easy to break and hard to mend. I'm sensitive. I cry a lot even though a lot of people think I'm made of stone. I just cry behind the scenes while no one is looking. I cry alone and, most definitely, I hurt alone because I don't want to burden anyone. I'm always trying to be the strong one. I remember Doua telling me that. He told me that I didn't always have to be the strong one and that he'd be the strong one for me. Oh how I miss him now. Don't push me away when I'm hurting or crying. Please don't. Don't find me annoying when I'm confiding in you, cause all in honesty, when you're hurting and crying to me....I don't find any of you annoying or too emotional. We're human, we're bound to hurt. So, for now, I'm hurting and I want all of you to be a little nicer to my poor little heart. My poor little heart that is sooo confused as to why its in such great sorrow.

Yours Truly, Kia Yang

So this past weekend was quite terrible. I'm definitely not going to lie. Everything just went wrong and I didn't know how to deal with it quite honestly. First off, Friday was supposed to be alone time for the boyfriend and I, but it turned out quite differently. We ended spending most of the day with his friends and family, which I don't mind at all, but I wanted just him and me that day. I sometimes feel like its too much to ask. And then being with his family reminded me of how my family used to be and I started being nostalgic. I have never missed my family so much before that night. I was literally on the brink of tears. I wanted to run into the arms of my sisters and mother. At that very moment I realized I just wanted to turn back the hands of time and be a little girl again. At that very moment I realized how neglecting I have been of my family. I felt like crap. I felt like such a bad person. And I honestly apologize to anyone who might have thought I was being a party pooper, but I just missed home. I missed my family and I was honestly looking for any signs of familiarity. I wanted someone who loved me to hold me and tell me it was going to be ok. That my family was still a family and that we're just getting older. I just wanted someone to tell me to chin up and wipe the tears away.

And then Saturday night was even worse. Everyone just got mad at one another and the party ended up being cancelled in the end. I honestly felt like just dying that night. I honestly don't know why, but I feel like I'm done. Like....I'm just done. Done with everything. I don't want to party or hang out anymore. I don't want to see the bf or see anyone. I just feel done. Its as simple as I can put it. That night I just wanted to cry it all out and tell everyone how I felt, but I sometimes know that in doing so I can come off as annoying and clingy. So, in return, I held it all in. I honestly wanted to just call Doua and have him come pick me up. I didn't want to see SMC or see KP. I just wanted one single face that wouldn't make a single comment. One face that I knew would always always love me regardless. A face that would tell me that its ok even if I make stupid mistakes and love me with all of his heart. Honestly, I really needed Doua that night. I needed him to make all the bad go away cause I was hurting so bad. I'm still hurting now.

My feelings are like wild horses right now. Running wild and free. I don't quite understand any of my feelings, but I know I'm angry and hurt. I know that I'm unhappy. And I honestly know for sure that the source of my happiness is coming from all aspects of my life. Its not a terrible unhappiness, but it hurts still. It hurts to the point where I feel as I made a mistake. I feel as if I'm not good enough. Whats wrong with me? Why am I so insecure? I don't know anymore.....I need to sort out my feelings. I just want to go cry. I'm a HUGE cry baby. =(

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

I realized I've been like a lovesick puppy lately and its honestly starting to scare me. I don't want to fall back into this routine where I wait it out and hope for him to come around. I don't want this to be another relationship where I wait only to have the ending be devastating to my heart. I don't want to get hurt the same way. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. Damn it all. This is my one and only weakness. When I manage to fall in love with someone, I fall hard and I love them instantaneously with all that I have. Thats just how I am. I have a lot of love to give out.

I just don't want to have to give my all and in the end have my strength and devotion be wasted. I guess I'm just on here today to blog and complain about my feelings. I haven't been able to vent it out lately. PLUS! I've been really moody lately. I've been craving a lot of attention from the bf and if I don't get it, I tend to find myself really moody and angry. I don't know whats wrong with me. I guess I just want to know that I'm safe and that I won't lose the love that I found. I'm really insecure these days. I find myself wanting to cry when I think about him and his "past" flings. It scares me and makes me think that there are possibilities that he can leave and find someone else in a matter of seconds. I find myself crying when I realize that he isn't true to his words.

It makes me want to cry when he says sorry and he doesn't even know why. It makes me want to cry when he doesn't follow through. I always want to cry. We can never see each other in a normal setting. We're always out at a party. Never just at home relaxing. It makes me feel like our relationship isn't real and is based on partying and our physicality. It really hurts me cause I truly love him for all that he is. It hurts when he barely wants to come over and complains that my parents may not like him. It hurts cause he doesn't even try. My family wants to get to know him so much, but it seems like he doesn't make much of an effort to know anyone associated with me. I find myself bonding with his family and friends more than he does with mines.

Its really starting to make me think that he doesn't love me....that perhaps he's just toying with me. If a man doesn't want to make an effort to know your people...he probably isn't in it for the long run. *sighs*

Last night I spent the night with him and I honestly wanted to cry and tell him how hurt I was. I was sad the entire night until my girls showed up. I was so close to crying in front of everyone last night. I love my girls. They make everything better.

Still, I miss him....

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

So after awhile of procrastinating with my school choice, I'm back on track. It took a lot for me to convince my parents that things would be fine if I went to school in St. Cloud. So, as for now, with my fingers crossed, if all goes well I'll be attending MCHD in August. But, if all else fails I'll be starting at MCS on April 8th. So, either way, I'm going to school. I guess I just want to attend the school that is further away so I'd get a taste of living life independently. I'm excited for myself and super uber proud. Life is turning around for me. Slowly, but surely.

Anyways, aside from my schooling issues, I haven't gotten a chance to get to reading Ha Jin's A Free Life yet. I'm still stuck on Poe. I'm guessing it takes me so long to finish up Poe because I tend to read at night and his stories tend to make me paranoid. Which results in me having to put the book aside until my fear subsides. I'm such a chicken. Its not even funny. My beloved boyfriend can't even tell me spooky ghosts stories over the phone because it might result in me crying and being scared to death.

Speaking of the boyfriend, I haven't seen him for an entire week, which is the usual. I miss him terribly. I guess the distance is good for us. It gives us time to actually miss one another, and it forces us to appreciate the precious time that we do get together. I honestly thought I would miss the single life, but I don't. I'd have to admit though, the freedom was nice, but having someone there at the end of the day is even better. I don't regret a single moment with my wondrous boyfriend. I sound like such a lovesick puppy. And honestly, I am. I'm excited to see him tomorrow! Yay! AND! OMG OMG OMG! Alice In Wonderland comes out tomorrow! Starring the most awesome and handsome Johnny Depp. Yes, I'm a Johnny Depp fan. He's soooooo damn fine for a 40-some year old.

Anyways, I don't have much to ramble about today. Not much to blog about or even much to say. So, until next time. Toodles.

P.S. The weather is getting warmer each day! I'm so gonna break out the tank tops, shorts, skirts, and swim suits! Eeek. I'm excited!

Truly Yours, Kia Yang

I've been sick lately, but after my mom tried her Hmong medicinal ways on me, I feel TONS better. Yups, she stuck needles in me. I fear it sooo much since she pokes me more than once cause my tiny little fingers refuse to bleed. But, anyways, I'm feeling better now. So, all is well. I was puking constantly. It sucked. I hate being sick. It just throws everything off.

Anyways, I'm still having my "school battles" since I still don't know which school to attend. If anything I might just settle for MSC since MCHD takes forever just to reply. Whichever school I go to I'll be happy since those two are my top picks. I'm just excited to start school I guess.

Grr, I'm so bored today. Not much to blog about today. I'm still reading Edgar Allan Poe's collection of work. His short stories drag out forever. No kidding. They're good, but they're real long. And creepy! Oh so creepy! Maybe thats why I'm taking forever to finish up that book. The stories get real creepy so I take a break to keep myself from getting paranoid. Instead of continuing and reading the book nonstop, I take breaks. Haha. Yes, I get super paranoid real easy. I'm sorry! I'm a chicken! A major chicken! Anyways, I don't have much to update or blog about, sooooo for now, toodles.

P.S. I wanna go shopping! Spring shopping!

Yours Truly, Kia Yang

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