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Welcome
Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;) |
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Crushed
Wednesday, April 21, 2010,4:43 PM I will not fall. I will not fall. I will NOT fall. I WILL prevail. Its been so hard this past year. Life has been a struggle for me every single day. I always find myself falling. I always find myself alone in so many struggles. I find myself trying to make up for the mistakes I made every single damn day of my life and I thought I finally redeemed myself. I thought I finally made everything ok again, but after today I'd rather jump off a cliff. I can't stop crying. I want to stop crying cause I haven't cried like this for the longest time. I thought I became stronger. I thought the tears weren't as present like they used to be. I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy from here on out. I didn't think a storm would come rolling in anytime soon. I was wrong. Today a big black cloud of thunder storms moved in on my life and closed in on me. It suffocated me and made it so I couldn't see for miles. It closed in on me trapping me and making it so I could never move. All the old little monsters I thought I locked away forever came back. They broke free of their chains and now they won't stop tormenting me. A fight broke out. My safety walls came crashing down. My tears poured out as if they've been there all along just waiting for me to break down any moment. Hurtful words were exchanged and the truth came out. The truth came out as lethal poison that found its way into my bloodstream. Sending sudden spasms of pain deep into the chambers of my heart and soul. Slowly killing me. Half alive and half dead. As I am writing this now tears are welling up. I can barely see. Oh god, I miss Doua. I miss him. I miss how he would turn to me and tell me I think too much and simply laugh it off. I miss how he'd tell me that I'm the weakest person he knows, and for that he wants to take care of me. I miss our young childish days. Walking in the rain during my birthday. Hanging out on the blacktop during elementary. I miss those innocent days so much. I thought I was happy, but now, I guess, I have to come to terms with the truth. I have to admit to myself....that everything is NOT ok. And it probably will never be ok. I have spent 19 years of my life pretending that it will be ok when I know it will never ever be ok. I have tried so hard. I have tried so hard to redeem myself. I know I made mistakes. Terrible ones. Mistakes that could have possibly brought me down so low, but I managed to get back up. Mistakes that tore my friends, family, and I apart. I have to admit...I was stupid. Here I am beating myself up every damn day. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I stare at myself and hope for something beautiful. For something worth being proud of, but all I hear are the words slut, whore, and disgrace. I thought I was finally home, but god, I was wrong. SO damn wrong. Its so hard to keep up my self esteem. Everywhere I go people tell me that I'm gorgeous or that I'm beautiful, but honestly I don't care. I look in the mirror and I wished I had more. I wish I was stronger and that I didn't break down all the time. I wish I actually had something in life going for me. All my friends are doing so well in school...and honestly, I'm in school too.....but sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it. I have no one supporting me telling me I'll make it and that I'll be a wonderful top makeup artist. Instead I have my mother who is always telling me I'm going to fail and that she regrets putting me through school. And most of all I have siblings that resent me. I guess thats what I get for living in an patriarchal secretive strict family. I will not break. *sighs* I will not break. I'm gonna make it through. Today is just a rock that I stumbled upon in my path of life. I will get a scraped knee, but I shall get back up, put on a band-aid and continue. I will not break. I will NOT break. I will be ok. I am going to be ok. I hope I'll be ok. =( Truly Yours, Kia Yang |
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Need You With Me
Monday, April 19, 2010,6:36 PM So, I've been really occupied lately. I don't even know what I do with my time either. I just come home from school and find all my time being consumed. I miss hanging out with my best friends and laughing about stupid things in Sadee's room or just stuffing our faces with food. *sighs* I miss them so much. I miss my boyfriend. In the last few months, our relationship has grown so much. We should be accustomed to seeing one another once a week or so only, but now more than ever I HATE being away from him. I hate having to wait the whole week through just to see his face. I hate having to wait by the phone late into the night for his phone call only to find myself half asleep while we're talking for those brief 20 minutes. I hate having to wait for one simple text from him. I hate looking at his loving face only to know that he's about to leave any moment. I hate saying goodbye to him knowing that the next time I'll see him will be an eternity! And I hate those last 30 minutes I get to see him. My heart just starts to tear at the seams. I know he's gonna have to go and I just hate it. And most of all, I hate the first few minutes when I see first see him cause then I realize I'm going to have to say goodbye later. I'm such a crybaby! I just want to cry right now. I miss him. I miss those few rare nights we did spend alone and all we did was just lay next to each other. So much love and care packed into one single moment that I wished it would never end. We rarely get moments like those. It makes me so sad. Everyone tells me that I miss him too much and I'm a tad clingy, but they don't know the torture! We barely talk, and when we do, I'm falling asleep. We barely see each other. And we barely send texts anymore since my school is really strict with texting/cellphones. Plus, he's picking up more hours at work now, so some days we go through the whole day with only a few text messages being exchanged. This one night I woke up, it was thundering outside, and I started looking for him thinking he was right beside. I just cried myself to sleep. THATS how much I miss my dummy these days. *sighs* It feels like forever until I see him again! Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh damn itttttttttttttttt! And I'm so terribly lonely at school. I talk to people, but its not consistent or anything. *sighs* I didn't think I could miss someone this much, but I do. I'm such a depressing gal. I guess I finally found my kryptonite/drug. =( "I know that distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away, And I can't lie, Everytime I leave my heart turns gray, And I wanna come back home to see your face tonight, Cause I just can't take it, Another day without you with me Is like a blade that cuts right through me, But I can wait, I CAN WAIT FOREVER" - Simple Plan, Can Wait Forever Truly Yours, Kia Yang |
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The Other Side
Wednesday, April 14, 2010,3:46 PM I haven't blogged lately! Man does it feel good to write again! School has been very hectic and draining. I come home tired everyday and forgetting what I learned. What a waste of education. Haha. But, I actually enjoy school. I wake up everyday excited for what I'm gonna learn! I'm a cosmetologist in training! Yippee! Anyways, my schedule has been really packed these days. I've just been going to school and doing promo work for Mirage Entertainment. I'm glad I got a planner. My life is sooo much more organized that way. I finally finished reading True Colors by Kristin Hannah. Eh, the book was ok. It dragged out too long. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The beginning was really good, but everything else was kinda terrible. It should've ended halfway through the book. Plus, it revolved around Vivi Ann, the younger sister, too much. She didn't write about Aurora or Winona at all. Perhaps it was symbolic of how the middle sister is always neglected. Who knows. Eh. I wasn't impressed. Anyways, I'm about to go looking for books to read again. Any suggestions? I'm thinking about reading more of Ha Jin's books. He's quite a good writer. Anyways, besides books and school, life has been good. Everything is going good and steady. The family is still sane and the friends seem to be fine. My boyfriend is amazing and I'm feeling better than ever. Life couldn't get better than this. Well, perhaps it can, but I'm content with what I have right now. I'm so happy with life. I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs. To be honest, I owe a lot of my newfound happiness to my wonderful boyfriend and friends. SMC stood by me through and thick. When things got hard and it seemed like my life was getting no where they stood by me and pulled me up and pushed me through. They kept me on my feet and always gave me the hugs and the laughter I needed. They were my family when my family walked out on me and turned their backs to me. They were there for my dumb mistakes and forgave me regardless. I love my best friends and I miss them terribly these days. We're all so busy and we're definitely growing up. I want one day with just SMC and nothing else. I miss us so much. I miss our reckless nights and our fatty days. Just because we're all growing up doesn't mean we can't make time for each other anymore. Plus...I can tell some of us are a bit emotionally distraught. We need a catch up day. And to my wonderful boyfriend, where do I even begin!? People were right, things are better when you're in love and yes love is THE best feeling on Earth. Better than any drug or high I've ever felt. Life just seems better! The sun is brighter. The air is cleaner. The grass is greener. And ice cream is soooo much sweeter. Everything just seems like a fairytale and I'm the friggen queen who gets everything she wants cause you're the damn king and you demand that all the lowly peasants give me what I want. Hahaha. I love you. I really do. I didn't think I could love again, but with you I can do so much that I never knew I was capable of. I didn't think I could love someone so soon and so deeply. I love you so much. I wouldn't want it any other way. If I could wake up every morning next to you, I'd forever be happy. I love you tubby. You make it all worth it. And I guess thats kinda all I have to write about. I'm happy these days. Life is beautiful. Truly Yours, Kia Yang |
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Breathe
Monday, April 5, 2010,6:59 PM Today was the first day of school for me. I was so excited, but sadly I was sick. I kept blowing my nose while the instructor was speaking. I hate being so darn sickly. It was fun though. I'm glad I'm finally back in school. I'm so tired right now, but I'm up waiting for my Mr. Handsome KP to call me. I really miss him. I haven't missed him like this for awhile. He's so wonderful. I'm glad we patched things up. I love him and he loves me. We're gonna hold strong onto this. The magic in the air I feel is because of him. He's the best. I love him. I am so bored right now. Just at home doing absolutely nothing but writing this. I don't have much to say I guess. I'm really tired and I'm hungry yet I don't want to eat. OMG! I finally saw Bright Star. *sighs* John Keats' poetry lines are breathtaking and oh so sweet. I wish my KP was a poet. Haha, sadly he's just a lazy brown cow who loves to smoke. Life is getting hectic for me, but I'm sure to keep up with it all. School and all that good stuff. I have to leave for Milwaukee on the 30th too. So much stuff going on in my life. Plus I need to get fliers done and do a photoshoot. So much to do and so little time. I still have to find time to read my books too. This is the Kia I want to be. I'm proud of myself. Way proud of myself. Plus, I'm calming down on all of the partying. I'm honestly tired of the partying. I just wanna chill and look cool in the corner now. Haha. Well off I go to read True Colors. Toodles. Truly Yours, Kia Yang |
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