Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;)

My name is Kia, but you can call me Nana as well. I'm 19 years old and currently reside in Minnesota. I'm a cosmetology student at Minnesota School of Cosmetology. I love art in all its forms. I love makeup and fashion. I'm very passionate about the field I'm in. I also write and read. I still believe reading is one of the best forms of entertainment out there. I'm a loving sweet person who enjoys being around her loved ones. I love all things girly and I'm very easygoing. I'm also a child at heart. Give me ice cream and a smile will instantaneously appear on my face. I'm outgoing and friendly. Most of all, I'm Kia Yang and I do the impossible. =)

"My goal as a cosmetologist is not to make the world beautiful one person at a time, but to show them that they are beautiful one person at a time" ♥

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Annoyed ★ Somewhere Only We Know ★ A Letter To Myself ★ All That I Can Hear ★ Dear Love ★ Writing Just To Write ★ Tangled Up In Silence ★ A Million Reasons Why ★ Be My Hero ★ Farewell and Bitter Tears ★ February 2010 ★ March 2010 ★ April 2010 ★ May 2010 ★ June 2010 ★ July 2010 ★ August 2010 ★ September 2010 ★ Layout & image by wickedicy others : x x

I sit here not knowing what to write. I sit here wondering when things will be alright. I sit here thinking about all of this and I already know that I have no answer. I don't know when things will be ok again and I don't know if it will ever work out. Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll lose grip of it all. I'm afraid that nothing will ever be set right again. I'm tired of everything and yet I'm not letting a single tear drop.

School drains me so much. I come home tired everyday. I'm on the search for a job. I'm launching my career in more than one ways. I'm trying to cope with my family and friends. I'm losing the love I thought would always be there. Life is getting crazy and hectic again. I guess I made it that way though. I need to do things to keep my mind off of things. If I stop just for one single moment, I may hear my thoughts run wild in my head and I can't allow for that to happen. Not now. Not ever. My life can't afford another downfall....yet its all falling right through my hands.

Doua....I miss you. SMC isn't there the way you are. In fact, I can't even go to them. Its so hard to just go to them and tell them I'm suffering. Doua....I miss you. I miss our long drives and random talks. I miss how we would hang out and not do a single thing yet enjoy every single moment of it. I wish you were here right now. I wish I could tell you all of the things that bothered me. Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. No one is there to pick me up either. Doua. Jaymoua. *sighs* Help me.

I'm falling apart at the seams. What happened to my knight in shining armor? I miss my knight in shining armor....he's too busy ignoring my broken heart.

Love, Kia Yang

Remember when you said you would change? What happened? I'm still waiting on you. I'm still waiting on that change. I stayed up all night until 4 crying last night. What happened? Why is it that your emotions are always fluctuating? Can't you see that I love you? Why are you so oblivious to all of this? To all of my love? Its not fair. It hurts. It hurts that I'm so willing to give you all of me and you're not. It hurts to know that I'm pouring my heart and soul into you and you still have the nerve to accuse me of not loving or caring for you enough. I've given you everything that I am and handed over everything that I've got. What more do you want? I am trying to give you more, but you're honestly draining me. I don't know what else to do or how to prove to you that I care for or love you. You're making it hard on me. I love you....is that so hard to believe?

I just want to run away. I don't know how to feel anymore. =(

Love, Kia Yang

I feel so awesome today. I feel better these days. I guess after this weekend I realized I need to stop pushing myself away from the world. I really need my SMC back in my life. Whatever it was that was bringing me down, its lifted off my shoulders now. I'm so thankful for everything in my life. I'm so thankful for my crazy family. As stressed as they make me I thank God for them everyday. As insane as they are, I don't think I can live without my family. I know for a fact that I cannot do without my family. I love them. I guess I just needed to be shown the bad side of life again for a little while so I can appreciate the better things I have in life again. Yay!

I miss my SMC so terribly these days. I feel like I haven't been able to contact anyone for awhile. I feel like I'm so behind in everyone's life. Darn. I'm gonna make them a part of my life again. I guess I just needed A LOT of time to do some soul searching. I miss my SMC a lot. I feel bad for pushing them out of my life for that brief moment. I miss our old days of running around like there's no tomorrow. I'm gonna let my life get hectic again so I'm not always bothering my bby. Haha. I feel so bad for bothering him.

I guess I'm gonna start looking for a job like mad crazy and do little projects on the side. I'm gonna start doing Mirage things again. I need to get my name out as an MUA/Hair stylist. =)

Oh, and thanks Tubby for putting up with my clingy self these past few weeks. I love you hun.

I just wanted to update. Toodles. =)

Love, Kia Yang

So, it turns out this weekend wasn't an entire waste. KP decided to come sweeping in and save me. I'm so happy to have a loving boyfriend. My sister asked me if he was a keeper and I told them, "I don't think so, I know so". I'm so lovestruck. Everything about him is so right. Everything about us is so right. For once in my life, I'm not questioning this relationship of mines as I did in the past. I just believe. I know he's the one. Its everything he does that makes me go insane for him. Never have I been so patient for a guy or have I been so sweet and loving. Took me a matter of only a few months to fall in love with him. He's wondrous. We have our ups and downs, but thats only because we overlook the fact that we love each other. We always feel like we're both underappreciated just to realize we wouldn't want anyone else in our arms. He is my prince in shining armor. I didn't think a love like this would ever be possible. I didn't believe in true love, I honestly didn't. Them other fools crushed all my hopes of a love like this and then in comes sweeping this guy named KP Xiong and he proves me wrong. He shows me that I can trust in him. He shows me what love is and what love should be like. I don't know what it is about him, but I know I can't be without his love. I have never felt this way for anyone else but him. If I had to wake up every morning next to him for the rest of my life, I wouldn't even have to think about it. I'd say yes in a matter of seconds. I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. It was a scary thought at first, but now I'm not afraid of such a thought. =)

Love, Kia Yang

This weekend was supposed to be my birthday celebration weekend, and instead of celebrating I'm stuck here at home sulking and being sad. I hate this. I feel like I'm giving up on everyone around me. I'm usually one who loves to surround myself with those I love, but these days, I can't stand the sight of any of them. I just want to be alone. I'm losing it. I really am. I don't know who to turn to anymore. I cry, but I don't know whose should to cry on. I can't tell my friends and my boyfriend is rarely there for me. I feel like I can't rely on anyone anymore. I feel like I have to go through everything alone. I feel like I want my friends, family, and boyfriend in my life....but I feel as though they can care less. I'm all alone and I don't know who to run to anymore. I'm closing myself in and my heart is caving in on itself and no one knows. And I don't think I'd ever want anyone to know. At first I did. I tried, but no one listened. I'm my own and I'm trying to be strong. Life goes on. I should be one to know. Time waits for no one.

This is the worst birthday I've ever had. And no, I'm not being dramatic. I was pretty hurt actually. But I'm not going to go into specifics. It was just pretty crappy. I'm so tired today too. I don't have energy to do anything. I just want to lay in bed all day. I don't want to do anything. I'm so upset and unhappy. I'm gonna head to bed.

Love, Kia

I can't shake it off. I'm so stressed. I've been more stressed than usual lately. I feel like I don't know who to go to about my problems anymore. I don't know how to express myself anymore. I feel like no one is there or maybe its just me. Maybe I can't open up anymore. Maybe I feel as if I can't trust anyone anymore. I just can't shake it off. I guess ever since that one night that I talked to Yee....I feel as though I'm worthless. So damn worthless. I was wrong. So damn wrong. I am afraid to love. So afraid. What was I thinking? Giving my all to KP in a mere matter of months? What the hell!? I'm practically setting myself up for a heartbreak. I shouldn't have gotten back into a relationship. I can't do this again. I can't. I just don't want to be alone. I guess I want someone to show me that I'm worth loving....but now I can slowly see.....if I can't see myself as a worthy person then I don't think anything will ever work out for me. If I can't love myself and deem myself worthy then even if a guy gives me the whole world I'll still see myself as a pathetic imbecile. I'm one sad sad little person.

I guess I've just been ignoring everything cause I can't afford to break down or fall behind. I just can't. As much as it hurts I must take it all in. All the senseless beatings and needless arguments. I must take it all in. Remember when you told me to hold on? Well guess what, I am and I have been holding on. I've been holding on this entire time. I know...I know I always try to be so tough and I always try to be so strong, but I'm not. There are nights when I breakdown alone cause I can't take it anymore, but no one needs to know that. Remember when you told me that you'll be strong for me? Well, we both know that isn't possible. You're moving on with life and so am I. Everyone moves on. Remember those days when I'd wake up and I'd know you'd always have my back? Well those days are long gone. And honestly......now I'm standing alone. Aren't you proud of me? For once I'm not bitching and moaning so often about my problems? Aren't you proud I'm not as dramatic anymore? Aren't you proud? Its hard honestly. I'm not used to having to bottle up everything. I feel like I just reversed back two years worth of therapy. I learned how to open up and now I'm learning how to close myself in again. Everyone has enough troubles. They don't need to be bothered by mines. I know, I know. You always told me that if they were true friends they'd listen to me. But.....they're not you. They don't listen to my every problem and buy me ice cream or save me the last piece of chocolate.

Sorry about that last paragraph. I guess that was just me writing to a friend. That friend should know who they are. I'm falling apart at the seams, but thank the lord that he gave me such good acting skills. I bitch and moan some days, but I never let anyone see the true problems. I don't want to cry like a dumb gal in front of everyone. I hate crying in front of others. I seldom do it. I only cry when I have my solitary moments in my room. Life is so stressful. GOD! Help me! My heart feels like its breaking all over again. I feel stupid and foolish. Family. Financial issues. School. Friends. Boyfriend. Self-issues. Everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. This isn't fun. I have a lot running through my mind. My fingers are cold from typing now. The basement is so damn cold.

I feel like I'm talking to myself. *sighs* Its almost my birthday weekend and I'm no longer excited. I don't want to do anything and I don't want to be out and about at all. Fuck my birthday. Its just the day I was born. Nothing special. Every year it usually just comes and passes. And usually every year on my birthday I'm unhappy. How terrible. I don't remember having a nice birthday at all. I just remember arguments and tears.

Tell me this isn't goodbye?

='(

Love, Kia Yang

Dearest KP,
I'm so sorry I have been so emotional and bitchy lately. I don't mean to. I guess life can get overwhelming at times and I often find myself unloading on you. I apologize. I know I'm demanding and childish at times and I thank you for always putting up with that. I'm so happy that God let us meet and let us happen. I'm glad that you came into my life and opened up my eyes to the better and bigger things in life. You've made me so happy and you're the reason why I keep on climbing higher. You're the reason why I wake up everyday in the morning to go to school. I need to go to school and start my career so I can constantly buy you your red vans whenever your old ones get dirty. Haha. I love you sweetheart. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the butt. I'm gonna work on that and stop being such a jerk. I love you. I'm never gonna walk away from us. I'm here to stay. I know sometimes you get insecure and you get scared that you'll lose me, but don't be. I'm here. Forever and always. I love you so much. I feel like we both lose sight of that sometimes. I'm so glad to have you in my life. I wouldn't be alive if I was living and before you came along...I was definitely not living at all. I love you sweetheart. You're my forever. Even when everyone walks out I know you'll still be here.

Forever and Ever bby. Love you. I always will. You have me and you will always have me.

Forever yours, your grumpy toast

So lately KP and I have been really grumpy and just arguing a lot, but now, hopefully, we're better. Things get rocky, but things also get better. I've been so exhausted lately. I finally decided I'm going to stop going out to every single Mirage Ent. event. Its too exhausting. I haven't blogged for so long. Well, anyways, I guess lately I've just been going to school. Working hard to earn my cosmo license. And I'm so damn broke these days so I've been applying for jobs everywhere. I need money again. Tuition is getting to be a hassle. I'm a broke college student. Yay! Hahaha.

Well anyways, I guess life has been good lately. A lot of organizing and stuff. I need to go buy myself a desk too. PLUS, I need to go buy myself a laptop. *sighs* So many things to buy and NO money. I'm depressed.

OMG, and its almost my birthday. 8 more days to go and its my bday! Eeek. I'm excited. I wish I still had a camera. My camera broke and its gonna cost 100 dollars to fix it. I don't know if I should fix it or just buy a new one. Either way, its just gonna be money I'm gonna throw away or something. Damn it. Man, I need a life again. Schooling isn't enough anymore. I need a job and a car. *sighs* I have things to do and places to go. On a side note, I LOVE going to school everyday. I love love love school. I have never been so passionate about something than this. I was born to be in the beauty industry. I was born to make the world beautiful one person at a time. Hahaha. I'm so excited for my career. I can't wait to start working in the salons and building clientele. =)

Man, this blog is all over the place. Haha, then again I'm all over the place. Ok...I don't have much to write anymore. Lately I haven't remembered any Chua moments either. Damn it. I wanna blog about it. Haha. Its so funny. Ok, I'm SOOOO gonna fix my camera again so I can record her all the time. I love her. She's so silly. =P

Yours Truly, Kia Yang

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