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Welcome
Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;) |
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Down Down Down
Monday, June 21, 2010,1:30 PM Today I went to school and I was sent home for being out of uniform and for being sick. I was pretty mad, but I honestly didn't care. Something is definitely wrong with my physical health. Its already in bad shape already, but its always getting worse. Whats next? The doctors are gonna tell me I only have three months to live? I've been stressing a lot lately though. I just feel like I'm overdoing it. Trying too hard to make sure everything is in it's perfect place. Ugh. I hate this. I always remember to make sure everything and everyone is ok, but me. My eating and sleeping habits are out of wack. I constantly have migraines that I ignore. I'm always nauseous. I'm always dizzy. UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! My mother is getting worried too. I'm having my breathing attacks again. They're taking place in the middle of the night and my mom is always on my back about my inhaler. I should be worried, but I'm not. I feel like I'll be ok. Or at least I hope I'll be ok. Something is definitely wrong with me though. I feel like I haven't made enough time for myself lately and I haven't really done anything for myself. So I decided that after this upcoming weekend I'm going to spend time alone. I'm gonna go to the library and find some books to read. Most of all, I have this super uber exciting idea that I CANNOT wait to launch! I'm excited for it and I hope oh so terribly that it'll be a success in the end. I don't know how I'm going to go about doing it yet, but I do hope it comes out successfully. I guess I'll have to find a way to make it happen first. I'll do my research and see how it goes. If this goes right then everything that I've ever worked hard for in my life will go hand in hand perfectly. Eeek! I'm excited. And I decided I'm going to go out and buy a new journal. I'm going to start writing and sketching again. I've missed those good old days of expression. =) Love, Kia Yang |
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Gotta Keep It Together
Tuesday, June 15, 2010,4:37 PM I haven't blogged a full blog lately. I've just been doing brief updates. I'm merely writing just to write. I must keep writing. I can't get rusty now and I've gotten quite rusty already. I can no longer write poetry like I used to. I'm thinking of actually writing short stories. I just don't know what to write about. I need to find an inspiration to write again. I miss the satisfactory feeling I got from finishing a story and touching someone's heart with my words. I miss making someone think twice about their actions. I miss changing someone's lives with my simple stories. Most of all, I miss making people feel emotions they choose to hide. I've made people laugh and cry with my stories. I miss that. A good story can touch people like a good song or good art. I'm also lacking inspiration in my career. I can't seem to dive into my creative well lately to create anything worth glancing at. My updo's are boring. My makeup is everyday. My hairstyling is at it's average. I've become dull and boring. Perhaps it may be the fact that I am giving less credit to myself than I deserve. I must keep myself motivated and positive. Life has been bringing me a lot of obstacles lately, but I am slowly overcoming them. I must stay positive. God is only testing me and saving the best for last. When I overcome all of these troubles and heartache, he will reward me with only love, laughter, and happiness. I just gotta take it easy on myself. I MUST go to school everyday and complete my education to better my life. I MUST work hard in order to achieve all of my goals. I MUST not lose myself in all that I do and see. I MUST make time for myself and my loved ones. I MUST LOVE MYSELF. I'm so proud of myself. All that I've been through and all that I've done. Now more than ever I am learning how to depend on myself. Learning that no one is there forever. Learning that sometimes being alone is also a way to thrive. Learning that sometimes goodbye are second chances in life. Most of all, I'm learning that the person I must give the most credit and love to is myself. Even when life got hard, I kept striving. I could've given up years ago. I couldn've taken my life all those times, but I didn't. What matters is that I took that dive into the dark deep abyss we call life. We never know where we're going or how we're getting there, but what matters is that you risk it and simply just go. I didn't know whether I was going to succeed or not, but here I am feeling like I am moving up in the world nontheless. All I want is to be happy. All we, as humans, want is to be happy. I've had my ups and downs recently, but I can honestly say I am standing here proud and happy of the life I lead. I have the people I need in my life. Those who never cared or mattered left long ago. I made the right choices to be where I am. I took all those lies I told myself and shoved them in the garbage can. All those years I said I would want to have a prestige job such as being a psychologist, but thats a lie. I wouldn't change my career choice even if someone paid me a million dollars. Its not about the money, its the fact that I LOVE doing what I do. I am passionate about my career and honestly, its a part of who I am. Most of all I love those that stood by me during my worst. And I am thankful for that someone who just walked into my life not too long ago. I never knew I could fall in love again. I am excited for life again. There will be days when it'll be hard to even make a single step, but I believe I can do it. I've come his far already. Whats there to stop me? Nothing and absolutely no one. I got this. =) Love, Kia Yang |
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Listen....
Thursday, June 10, 2010,6:35 PM I need to catch up on myself. I feel like I've been letting myself go lately. I feel like I lost myself in him. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing, I just know that I kinda lost myself. I hate it when things run through my mind like this. I feel so scared. I don't know anymore....... I feel like its all just lies. I'll always come second. Help me. Love, Kia |
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For My Best Friends
Sunday, June 6, 2010,3:29 PM I'm looking back on things and just now realizing a lot of things that I didn't know at the time. I guess what I realized is how much I love my SMC babes. I love them with all that I have. I sit here knowing that I cannot live without my SMC. Even if life takes me to the other side of the world, I wouldn't love them less nor would I ever call anyone my best friend in place of them. They're my best friends. My heart. My soul. They make up the Kia that I am now. Without them I wouldn't be able to get where I am. Without them, I'd probably dead on the streets. Individually, they all offer me something unique that the other cannot give. We're compatible like peanut butter and jelly or drunk nights and fast food. This past year was my worst year yet. I sometimes forget that they were present for that terrible time in my life. Sadee clothed and fed me. Chua was there to deal with the emotional problems and fed me as well. They gave me a place to stay and lended me an ear when I needed it. I couldn't ask for more. I would probably have been dead on the streets starving if they didn't help me when I needed it most. I know my best friends will always be there. Always. Even when I was annoying and when they didn't have the time or the money, they still tried. They always tried. I never knew what "best friends" were until I met them. They gave me all of themselves and handed over everything they had just to help me out of a tight spot. Thats when I realized who my real friends were and who were the fakes. When Neng broke up with me and broke my heart, SMC found a way to show me how to smile again. They taught me how to laugh and to enjoy the simple things in life again. Instead of finding some other guy to cover up my wound, this time around, I let my friends patch up that wound for me. Together we did so much healing. Chua gained confidence. Sadee learned how to be patient and Kong learned to slowly express himself. When I was at my worst they came in and picked me up. They told me it was ok and showed me that it really is ok. Hearts get broken but they also get better. I realized that it wasn't Lawrence that allowed me to love KP, it was SMC. They broke down my walls and let me know that there are trustworthy people out there. They showed me that its ok to love because loving was all that was good in this world. They let me know that loving was ok by loving me with all they had. They never let me fall. Never. Not even once. And at times, when I did find myself falling, they caught me just in the nick of time. They showed me how to feel again. I'm months late on this thank you, but thanks SMC. Thank you guys for all that you've done. When one of us hurts, all of us hurts. I forgot how much we loved one another and how strong our love was until today. I was reminded of it when I came across Neng's ugly remarks on me. I realized he blamed soooo much of the wrongs in his life on me. And I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry that he still couldn't move on with his life. Thats when I realize that I don't blame anyone for the wrongs in my life, but who do I thank for all the rights in my life? I realized I have you guys to thank. Together we mended our broken hearts. If it wasn't for you guys my life would be miserable at best. The rain can pour all day and I know that you guys wouldn't put up the umbrellas, but instead dance with me in the rain. When the sun shines I know it'll only be because we're all shining together. Life is only beautiful when you can share it with those that you truly love and care about. I'm happy and oh so thankful that God would be generous enough to send you guys to me. When I kept complaining that I God doesn't hear my prayers or that he didn't care to make my life less painful, I realized I was wrong. God hears all of my prayers and answered every single one of them. I was just too blinded by hate and pain to realize any of it. His answer to all my troubles is SMC. To make life less painful he sent me three beautiful people who can make me laugh and yet cry. He sent me three beautiful people who'd share one single blanket with me in the dead of the winter. He sent me three beautiful who would come to my rescue no matter where I was in the world. He sent me love in the form of three beautiful human beings. Best friends truly are God's apology for a dysfunctional family. I'm not ashamed to say it or represent it, I'm an SMC chick for the rest of my life. Life wouldn't be worth living without you guys. I'll be here forever. Come to me just to have a cup of coffee or to simply have someone to complain to. Come to me when you're lost and alone. Better yet, I'll come to you when you're lost and alone. I love you guys. I love you Chua Wang. I love you Sadee Xiong. I love you Kong Yang. I love you all. My beautiful wonderful fantastic awesome SMC. Love, Kia Yang |
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And No One Sees Me
Tuesday, June 1, 2010,5:57 PM "You walk around here thinking you're not pretty". This line can played over and over in my head and I still wouldn't be able to shake it off of me. I thought I'd be able to catch up in life and smile. I thought that perhaps my sad phase was just a phase this time around and that I'd eventually get over it. But its been a month and I still can't shake it off of me. I guess I'm just slowly coming to realize that no one will be there forever. Sometimes you have to take in all the pain alone. Sometimes you have to suck it all up and smile even if that smile seems broken. Even if sometimes you just want someone there, sometimes, its better to just keep it in. Sometimes...its just better......to not have had at all. =( I don't know what to do anymore. If there is a God....then please hear me now. =( Love, Kia Yang |
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