Read the daily ramblings of my life. Read it and weep. ;)

My name is Kia, but you can call me Nana as well. I'm 19 years old and currently reside in Minnesota. I'm a cosmetology student at Minnesota School of Cosmetology. I love art in all its forms. I love makeup and fashion. I'm very passionate about the field I'm in. I also write and read. I still believe reading is one of the best forms of entertainment out there. I'm a loving sweet person who enjoys being around her loved ones. I love all things girly and I'm very easygoing. I'm also a child at heart. Give me ice cream and a smile will instantaneously appear on my face. I'm outgoing and friendly. Most of all, I'm Kia Yang and I do the impossible. =)

"My goal as a cosmetologist is not to make the world beautiful one person at a time, but to show them that they are beautiful one person at a time" ♥

link link link link link link link link link link link link

Annoyed ★ Somewhere Only We Know ★ A Letter To Myself ★ All That I Can Hear ★ Dear Love ★ Writing Just To Write ★ Tangled Up In Silence ★ A Million Reasons Why ★ Be My Hero ★ Farewell and Bitter Tears ★ February 2010 ★ March 2010 ★ April 2010 ★ May 2010 ★ June 2010 ★ July 2010 ★ August 2010 ★ September 2010 ★ Layout & image by wickedicy others : x x

I've been really busy lately. My schedule feels as though its always packed and hectic. Some days I would really prefer that its not so hectic, but some days I would prefer it stay hectic. I spend some days perfectly happy and other days I can't help it but to break down. I've come to realize that all the elders were right. When you're young everything does seem like the end of the world, but as you grow older you come to realize that things will be ok in the end. Life is a struggle, but that is what makes it worth living. I've been encountering a lot of heartbreaking moments lately, but I choose to not let it get to me.

I have grown so much stronger. I'm working harder and harder each day just to make ends meet. Its hard work. Really hard. Some days gets so hard. You have no one to turn to. No one to cry to. You feel as though you can't break down because you can't afford an emotional train wreck at the moment. You want to ask for a little bit of help, but no one can help you except yourself. You tell yourself things will be fine just to have someone yell at you that very day about something you have no power over. You want just a few seconds to sit down, but you can't, you have to rush and transition from work to school to work again. Everyone invites you out to events, but you tell them no because you have to get your life straight and sooner than later you lose your social life. People discourage you so much and you're usually always the only one saying you can. You only make minimum wage and all around you, you see your family suffering. Your dad is losing his job. Your mom can't work. And your siblings can barely get by themselves living from paycheck to paycheck. You want a few minutes of peace and quiet to yourself, but instead of doing so you dedicate those few precious moments to someone else in need of your attention and through it all you lose yourself. You forget that you need some love and nurturing as well. Everyone is telling you that you're taking things too seriously, but you can't mess around. This is the rest of your life that you're dealing with. Its hard and its only getting harder. Sometimes I forget why I'm doing all of this. Working so hard and crying all of those bitter tears. I sometimes forget, but then I go to school every morning and my wonderful instructors and friends remind me. Most of all, when I look back on my life I see that I must make this happen. I must make this work. When I look in the mirror, I see a girl who deserves happiness in all that she does. I see a girl who deserves to capture her dreams and succeed in life as those before her. I see a beautiful loving woman. I see me.

Love, Kia Yang

I don't know where to start or even how to begin. I didn't want to say the words that I'm going to say, but they must be said. People tell me I shouldn't feel how I'm feeling. Telling me that people change and that people move on. People are telling me left and right that I should be happy and that it'll be ok. You're only saying its ok because you're not me. People are only telling me to be happy because they're not the ones with the breaking heart. They're not the ones with the foolish idea of forever love and friendship.

So here I am today, writing to my dear SMC. I loved all of you guys so much. I really did. The original SMC was my heart and soul. I gave so much love and dedication to each and everyone of you. I made you guys my everything. I burned this thought into my mind that you guys were my forever. And as people began to leave I only felt more love for those that stayed. I love you guys. I love you Chua. I love you Kong. I love you Sadee. I love you SMC. I love you guys so much that it hurts sometimes. Things have changed so dramatically. We no longer stay up all night and cry all those bittersweet tears with one another. We no longer share our deepest secrets. I HATE it when people tell me "just because you don't party anymore don't mean you're not friends" or "its good that you guys aren't in that party girl scene anymore, why miss it? You guys are better now". I absolutely hate it. Who are these people to say these things or even judge me? Its not the parties that I miss. Its the friendship and bonding that I miss. I miss the late night whispers and giggles. The secrets we shared and cried over. I miss that. I miss our hugs. I miss our laughter that made life that much more liveable.

Sadly, everyone seems to be ok with the way SMC is right now. I can see us falling apart piece by piece. I don't mind hanging out only once in awhile, but things are such drastic changes now that I don't think we could ever go back to how we were. We all keep pretending that we're still SMC, but SMC died a long time ago. I've finally come to accept the truth. Our bond has been broken. We can't even talk to one another like how we used to. When we have our heartbreaks and our tears, we now go to others for comfort. Thats the first sign that we're no longer here. No longer together in this friendship. Why can't we just be honest? Why can't we just admit it? Sure, we're still friends. We can still hang out once in awhile. I'll still say hi. I'll still tell everyone you guys are my close friends, but no, we're NOT SMC anymore. We stopped being SMC a long time ago. I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but we fell out of our friendship a long time ago. You can tell me you're busy, you can tell me we're growing old, you can tell me we're going our own ways, but thats not an excuse. We can still make time for one another. We can still commit if we really tried. Thats where I'm disappointed. If we can't even find time to commit to one another anymore, then whats the point? We barely keep in contact.

I, for one, am done. I give up. I've been holding onto this for so long hoping that everyone will want to try as much as I do. I cry over not having you guys there. I cry over not having anyone to share my accomplishments with. I HATE how you guys think that just because I'm dating KP I am happy and I spend all my time with him. I spend 95% of my time alone in thought. I barely see KP. He does his own things and has his friends to hang out with as well. He can't always be with me. I miss having you guys around. I miss that girl companionship. I do sooo much extra things that I shouldn't have to do just to keep you guys off of my mind. I try to keep as busy as possible so that I don't have to bug you guys or KP. That hurts the most. I shouldn't have to keep busy in order to avoid my loved ones! I shouldn't have to hide things. I should be able to come and cry to each and everyone of you. I feel as though we've all replaced each other with other people and objects in our lives. I feel like I'm the only one stuck and waiting for the day when you guys will come back around.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm done. SMC is no longer what it used to be. I don't want to hold on anymore. Its only hurting me. I'm pretending that its ok when its not. I want to be happy. I long to be happy. I don't even feel like I belong to SMC anymore. I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I only find myself happy when I'm at school and its such a brief happiness. So, I'm taking all of my love that I instilled into you guys and transfering it over to my schooling and myself. I feel as though I loved you guys so much that I forgot about myself. I loved you guys so much and I feel as though the love was barely returned in the end. I was wrong for loving you all so much. I feel as though I only suffocated you all. We all have drifted so far.

Kong, I really don't know what to say to you. I know you're unhappy as well. I know that you wished SMC was still together, but unlike me, you have so much more hope. I'm beaten up. My heart is tired. I've lost a lot of hope. I don't want to try anymore. I can see the hurt you hide Kong and it hurts me. You don't know how much I love you. I feel like God sent you to me to assure me that hope and love still exists. It hurts me to see you deny yourself of who you are just because your family denies it. You are an artist. Not some scientist. I can never see you working behind a desk. I see you creating art and touching the world. I see you changing people's lives and causing them to cry out of happiness and love. You are such a beautiful person. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. I'm sorry if I couldn't ever take care of you. I'm sorry that I can't make this right. I know you've been looking for true friends for so long and here we are, falling apart. I wish I could make it right and bring joy back to you. I know you're sad when we don't text you or when we turn you down on your offers to hang out. I'm sorry Kong. If I could, I would make it better. If I could I would make your family understand. I would make your parents open up their eyes to you. I love you Kong. You're such a strong creative individual. In my 19 years of life I have never met such a talented individual. You give yourself so little credit. You deserve to give yourself all the credit in the world. You are a prodigy. You are THE NEXT Chanel or Gucci or Armani. THAT is how talented you are. You are so beautiful yet so blind to your true potential. Kong, I hope you know that you have the power to touch others and cure their pain. You've cured mines. Out of all of SMC I have always come to you first when I was in pain. You have God's loving hands and heart. I love you my retared Hair Slut son. Never ever forget that.

Sadee, *sighs*, where do I start with you? You know I love you. Sometimes you're just hard to deal with. You get angry over the little things. You're irritated over the smallest reasons. You blow up on people without thinking what is going to come out of your mouth. Yet, I still love you. I'm proud of you. Proud of the fact that you stopped with your anger tantrums. I guess its perhaps that you've been so hurt in the past that its your shield to protect yourself. Sometimes I feel as if you truly don't want me in your life, but I keep quiet about it. I know you get annoyed over me the most. I can't come to you because I know that sometimes you really just don't want to hear it. But I love you regardless. I know you have a heart of gold and you deserve someone who will give you 110% back. I'm so glad that you got over that obstacle back in January - March. It made you a lot more mature. I know that you love us all too. I know that you believed we were your true friends, but to be honest, I felt like we were just a cheap replacement for the person who truly hurt you, Mai Ker. I didn't mind much, because in that short time you grew to love us so much. And now that MK is back, I feel like you've dropped SMC completely. It hurt me a lot at first because I wanted to keep us all together so bad and right in front of me, my family was leaving me. Perhaps its true that people grow up and grow apart. I don't mind. I just want you to know that you're a smart and beautiful girl. I can't wait for you to get into college and start amazing the world with what you can do. You have so much potential in so many fields. People are always judging you and saying you're a bitch, but I always stand up for you. I know that deep down inside you're a complete sweetheart who is too scared to let that part shine through. I want you to let it shine through though. I want you to love yourself. I want you to know that love is possible. That fairytale love exists. I want you to know that even if your parents think you're going no where with your life, I still believe in you. I know you're going to do great things for this world of ours. Don't ever let someone treat you the way he did ever again. You don't deserve that. You're a fragile being, just like MK. Chua and I used to let you have it your way just to protect you and to keep you happy, did you know that? Even if we didn't want to do something or go somewhere, we did it for you. Especially during that time. We really tried to protect you. I love you so much Sadee. So so much. I sometimes wonder what happened to all of us. Its so awkward being around one another now. Be smart and love yourself. You're a fragile girl who tries to act too tough for her own good. Protect your heart, because from now on, we won't always be there.

Last, but not least, there is Chua. Chua has her boyfriend and her family to tend to. She's a hardworking woman who is trying to make it on her own. I know you're mad at me right now and you don't understand me, but when have you understood me? When have you ever listened to me with your heart Chua? For being my #1 girl, you were always to occupied to truly convey what I was trying to communicate with you. Call me seflish, I can care less. I know I loved you with all that I had. I loved you more than I loved KP. You hurt me so badly in these past few months. I felt betrayed, but I forgave you. I always forgave you guys. You're beautiful. I never want you to lose sight of that. You worked so hard to build up your self esteem, I hope that you never let any other guy break it down ever again. I hope you never break it down again. You're strong. You always were. You give yourself less credit than you deserve. I hope you know that. You're always letting yourself down when you deserve so much more. You're always trying to be stronger than you are when deep inside you're torn. I know you can't open up very well, but you must try. You have to. Keeping all that pain inside only brings more pain upon yourself. I'm so proud of you and glad that you have found happiness once more. Continue to do such things for yourself. Never lose sight of who you are and continue to be Chua because at the end of the day, Chua should be the most important person to herself. Never give out more of yourself than you can actually put out. Start doing things for yourself and your life. Cause at the end of the day, no one is really there to do those things for you. I know you wished you had someone to do it all because you've worked hard all your life, but keep on working. I promise you there will be one day where you can just relax and smile. I love you woman.

I'm going to miss our late night talks. I'm going to miss our group hugs. I'm going to miss our jokes. I'm going to miss our reckless nights. I'm going to miss the way we made one another feel. I'm going to miss how we took a risk just to see one another for one night. I'm going to miss eating with you guys like there is no tomorrow. I'm going to miss our slow moments. I'm going to miss the way we cried together. I'm going to miss laying on the floor with you guys. I'm going to miss it all. Most of all, I'm going to miss those times when all of this used to matter. I love you all. I feel as though this is bittersweet because I know we'll still love one another. We'll still always be there, but in the end, we all know we're moving on. I'll still want to hang out once in awhile and say hi, but its not going to be like how it was anymore. All thats left are our bitter tears and words we should have said. Fare thee well.

Love, Kia Yang

This past July 4th weekend was soooo crazy hectic. I was busy running errands all over the place and I didn't even get a chance to breathe! But, overall it was a really fun-filled weekend. I gogo danced for Mirage Entertainment and then I pretty much ran the show! Woot woot! =P

But overall life has been really hectic for me. I feel as though I don't know what to make my first priority anymore. Some days I still feel lost as though I'm just going through the motions. But oh well. I'm striving and thats what matters. I'm gonna do this. I won't fall because its not possible. I will have my down days, but thats not going to stop me. Never. I'm Kia Yang and I do the impossible. I will make it all work.

Even though times are changing and people are drifting away I'm gonna hold on. I'm going to make this work. Even though days it feels like I'm so alone in this world, I'm going to hold onto all the precious memories. I'm gonna take this world by storm. They're not going to know what hit them. =)

Love, Kia Yang

© 2008 - 2010 @ url.blogspot.com